Jokes for 01/26

A blonde goes into the beauty and hair parlor with her walkman on her head.

"I need to take that walkman off your head," says the beauty specialist as she notices the blonde.

"You can't! I'll die!" retorts the blonde.

"I can't cut your hair with the walkman on your ears!" says the beauty specialist getting annoyed.

"I said you can't take it off, or I'll die!"

The beauty specialist, outraged and flustered, grabs the walkman and throws it off the head of the blonde. Within seconds, the blonde dies. When the specialist picks up the walkman to listen, she hears it repeating "breath in, breath out, breath in".



Texas makes me think of the old slogan "Remember the Alamo." It seems that during that battle, the guy in charge of the whole thing put his wife, of all people, on the battle line. She was shot by the enemy, shattered her patella, and had to be removed from the front line.

After the fighting was over, she divorced her husband, and sued for Alamo knee.



The shopkeeper was dismayed when a brand new business much like his own opened up next door and erected a huge sign which read BEST DEALS.

He was horrified when another competitor opened up on his right, and announced its arrival with an even larger sign, reading LOWEST PRICES.

The shopkeeper was panicked, until he got an idea. He put the biggest sign of all over his own shop-it read... MAIN ENTRANCE.



A New York City yuppie moved to the country and bought a piece of land. He went to the local feed and livestock store and talked to the proprietor about how he was going to take up chicken farming. He then asked to buy 100 chicks.

"That's a lot of chicks," commented the proprietor.

"I mean business," the city slicker replied.

A week later the yuppie was back again. "I need another 100 chicks," he said.

"Boy, you are serious about this chicken farming," the man told him.

"Yeah," the yuppie replied. "If I can iron out a few problems."

"Problems?" asked the proprietor.

"Yeah," replied the yuppie, "I think I planted that last batch too close together."



Q: What does a blonde owl say?

A: What, what?

Jokes for 01/25

God help me, I've entered the Age of Skirted Swimwear. This is the age right after Accessorizing with Reading Glasses and a few years before Can't Name Anyone on the Radio.



Applicants for jobs at the company where my friend Diana works are asked to fill out a questionnaire. Among the things candidates list is their high school and when they attended. One prospective employee dutifully wrote the name of his high school, followed by the dates attended: Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday and Friday.



According to a new medical study, it's healthy for a wife to get angry at her husband than to keep it all inside which can lead to disease. So guys when the wife runs you over with the SUV, she's just trying to live a healthier lifestyle."



My sister is a know-it-all who bristles at anyone's well-intentioned advice. But when our older sister gave her several clever tips, she was impressed.

"I have to hand it to Pat," she told me. "She really is smart. Not Jeopardy! smart; more Wheel of Fortune smart."



When our client's dog lapped up anti-freeze, the veterinarian I work for ordered a unique treatment: an IV drip mixing fluids with vodka. "Go buy the cheapest bottle you can find," he told me.

At the liquor store, I was uneasy buying cheap booze so early in the day, and I felt compelled to explain things to the clerk. "Believe it or not," I said, "this is for a sick dog."

As I was leaving, the next customer plunked down two bottles of muscatel and announced, "These are for my cats."



An old nun who was living in a convent next to a construction site noticed the coarse language of the workers and decided to spend some time with them to correct their ways.

She decided she would take her lunch; sit with the workers; and talk with them.

She put her sandwich in a brown bag and walked over to the spot where the men were eating.

Sporting a big smile, she walked up to the group and asked: "And do you men know Jesus Christ?"

They shook their heads and looked at each other very confused.

One of the workers looked up into the steelworks and yelled out, "Anybody up there know Jesus Christ?"

One of the steelworkers yelled down, "Why?"

The worker yelled back, "'Cause his wife's here with his lunch."



A man is at work one day when he notices that his co-worker is wearing an earring.

The man knows his co-worker to be a normally conservative fellow, and is curious about his sudden change in "fashion sense".

The man walks up to him and says, "I didn't know you were into earrings."

"Don't make such a big deal, it's only an earring," he replies sheepishly.

His friend falls silent for a few minutes, but then his curiosity prods him to ask, "So, how long have you been wearing one?"

"Ever since my wife found it in my truck."

Jokes for 01/24

"A seventh grade teacher in California was arrested for teaching while drunk. Which is why an entire Earth Science class now thinks hurricanes are formed when rum collides with lime juice, passion fruit, and crushed ice in a hot pink souvenir cup from Senor Frog's." -Jimmy Fallon



"According to a new study, polar bears will probably be extinct by the year 2050. So enjoy eating them while you can." -Dave Letterman



"It's daylight-saving time, when we lose an hour of our lives. Why couldn't they spring forward an hour during the Oscars?" -Craig Ferguson



My grandmother told me how she ended up marrying Grandpa. She was in her 20s, and the man she was dating left for war. "We were in love," she recalled, "and wrote to each other every week. It was during that time that I discovered how wonderful your grandfather was."

"Did you marry Grandpa when he came home from the war?" I asked.

"Oh, I didn't marry the man who wrote the letters. Your grandfather was the mailman."



To get his mind off his losing streak at the racetrack, I took my friend horseback riding. Being a novice, he freaked when his mount took off.

"How do I stop?" he yelled.

"Bet on it!" I hollered back.



Why & If

* Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety-one?
* If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea...does that mean that one out of five enjoys it?
* Why do croutons come in airtight packages? Aren't they just stale bread to begin with?
* If people from Poland are called Poles, then why aren't people from Holland called Holes?
* If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?
* Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist, but a person who drives a racecar is not called a racist?
* If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?
* If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, then doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?
* If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP? ?
* Do Lipton Tea employees take 'coffee breaks?'
* What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?
* I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks, so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use. Toothpicks?
* Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen can look for them while they deliver the mail?
* Is it true that you never really learn to swear until you learn to drive?
* If a cow laughed, would milk come out of her nose?
* Whatever happened to Preparations A through G?

Jokes for 01/23

A guy dies, and goes to Heaven. When the guy arrives in Heaven, St. Peter greets him, and says, "Come with me, and I will show you where you will be staying."

St. Peter and this guy are walking along side of the golden fence of Heaven, and the guy notices many clocks on the fence. Out of curiousity, the guy asks St. Peter, "What are all these clocks for?"

St. Peter smiles, "They are clocks for every person in the world," he says, "And they tick once for each time you lie. There is Mother Theresa's clock! Her clock has never ticked once. There is Abraham Lincoln's clock! His clock has only ticked twice."

Again, out of curiousity, the guy asks, "Where is George W Bush's clock?"

St. Peter calmly says, "His clock is in Jesus's office. He is using it as a fan."



Once there was a little boy who lived in the country. They had to use an outhouse, and the little boy hated it because it was hot in the summer,cold in the winter and stank all the time. The outhouse was sitting on the bank of a creek and the boy determined that one day he would push that outhouse into the creek.

One day after a spring rain, the creek was swollen so the little boy decided today was the day to push the outhouse into the creek. So he got a large stick and started pushing. Finally, the outhouse toppled into the creek and floated away.

That night his dad told him they were going to the woodshed after supper. Knowing that meant a spanking, the little boy asked why. The dad replied,"Someone pushed the outhouse into the creek today. It was you, wasn't it, son?"

The boy answered yes. Then he thought a moment and said, "Dad, I read in school today that George Washington chopped down a cherry tree and didn't get into trouble because he told the truth."

The dad replied, "Well, son, George Washington's father wasn't in that cherry tree."



One day an out of work mime was visiting the zoo, where he attempted to earn some money as a street performer. Unfortunately, as soon as he started to draw a crowd, a zoo keeper grabbed him and dragged him into his office.

The zookeeper explained to the mime that the zoo's most popular attraction, a gorilla named Sparky, had died suddenly and the keeper was worried that attendance at the zoo would fall off without him. The zookeeper offered the mime a job to dress up as Sparky until they could get a new gorilla. The mime accepted.

The next morning, the mime put on a gorilla suit and entered the cage before the crowd arrived. He discovered that it was a great job! He could sleep all he wanted, play and make fun of people and he was drawing bigger crowds than he ever did as a mime.

However, eventually the crowds tired of him, and he was getting bored just swinging on tires. He began to notice that the people were paying more attention to the lion in the cage next to his. Not wanting to lose the attention of his audience, he climbed to the top of his cage, crawled across a partition, and dangled from the top over the lion's cage. Of course, this made the lion furious, but the crowd loved it. At the end of the day the zoo keeper was thrilled, and even gave the mime a raise for being such a good attraction.

This went on for some time, the mime kept taunting the lion, the crowds grew larger, and his salary kept going up. Then one terrible day when he was dangling over the furious lion, he lost his grip and fell. The mime was terrified. The lion gathered itself and prepared to pounce. The mime was so scared that he began to run round and round the cage with the lion close behind. When no help came, and the crowd looked on in shock, the mime started screaming and yelling.

"Help, Help me!" he screamed, but the lion was too quick and pounced. The mime found himself flat on his back looking up at the angry lion, who was just inches away from his face when he whispered, "Shut up you idiot! Do you want to get us both fired?"



A barber gave a haircut to a priest one day. The priest tried to pay for the haircut but the barber refused saying, "I cannot accept money from you, for you are a good man - you do God's work."

The next morning the barber found a dozen bibles at the door to his shop.

A policeman came to the barber for a haircut, and again the barber refused payment saying, "I cannot accept money from you, for you are a good man - you protect the public."

The next morning the barber found a dozen doughnuts at the door to his shop.

A lawyer came to the barber for a haircut, and again the barber refused payment saying, "I cannot accept money from you, for you are a good man - you serve the justice system."

The next morning the barber found a dozen more lawyers waiting for a haircut.



An old but still ruggedly handsome Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young, idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation. "Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?"

"Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature."

The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks like you have seen a lot of action."

"Yes, ma'am, a lot of action."

The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, "You know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself."

The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner. Finally, the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?"

"1955, ma'am."

"Well, there you are. You really need to chill out and quit taking everything so seriously!? I mean, no sex since 1955!?"

Feeling charitable and a little bit drunk, she took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to "relax" him several times. Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said, "Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955!"

The Sergeant Major, glancing at his watch, said in his matter-of-fact voice, "I hope not, it's only 2130 now."



My neighbor found out her dog could hardly hear so she took it to the veterinarian. He found the problem was hair in its ears and cleaned both ears and the dog could hear fine. The veterinarian told the lady if she wanted to keep this from recurring, she could go to the store for 'Nair' hair remover and rub it in its ears once a month. The lady goes to the drugstore and gets some Nair.

At the register, the druggist tells her "If you're going to use this under your arms, don't use deodorant for a few days."

The lady responds: "I'm not using it under my arms."

The druggist says: "If you're using it on your legs, don't shave for a couple of days."

The lady answers: "I'm not using it on my legs either, and if you must know, I'm using it on my schnauzer."

The druggist says: "In that case, stay off your bicycle for a week."

Jokes for 01/20

"Jon Huntsman has dropped out of the race for president to return to his former job as the guy in the picture that comes with the frame." -Jimmy Kimmel



"There are now more obese people in the United States than there are overweight people. I think it's safe to say that after all these years, Diet Coke is a complete failure." -Jay Leno



"A recent study found that the U.S. has a higher obesity rate than Canada. Then again, maybe we just look fatter because our flag has horizontal stripes." -Jimmy Fallon



During a heartfelt chat with her friend about relationships, my wife sighed and said, "You know, if something happened to Lloyd, I don't think I could ever marry again."

Her friend nodded sympathetically. "I know what you mean," she said. "Once is enough."



An old farmer is inconsolable after his dog goes missing. His wife suggests he take out an ad in the newspaper, which he does. But two weeks later, there's still no sign of the pooch.

"What did you write in the ad?" his wife asks.

"'Here, boy,'" he replies.



"The movie 'Battle: Los Angeles' is unrealistic because America's army goes all out to defend L.A. If aliens really attacked L.A., Americans would say, 'Take it.'"
-Craig Ferguson



"Police in Germany say they arrested a man in a wheel chair for breaking into a building. They say the man would have gotten away, but they shot out his tires." -Conan O'Brien



Mary was married to a something of a chauvinist. They both worked full time, but he never did anything around the house and certainly....not any housework. That, he declared, was 'woman's work.'

One evening Mary arrived home from work to find the children bathed, a load of wash in the washing machine and another in the dryer, dinner on the stove and a beautifully set table, complete with flowers. She was astonished, and she immediately wanted to know what was going on.

It turned out that her husband Charley had read a magazine article that suggested working wives would be more romantically inclined if they weren't so tired from having to do all the housework in addition to holding down a fulltime job. The next day, she couldn't wait to tell her friends in the office. "How did it work out?" they asked.

"Well, it was a great dinner," Mary said. "Charley even cleaned up, helped the kids with their homework, folded the laundry and put everything away."

"But what about afterward?" her friends wanted to know.

"Oh, that part didn't work out," Mary said. "Charley was too tired."

Jokes for 01/19

"A new study ranks the best places in the world to live, and Afghanistan came in second to last. When they heard this, people in Afghanistan said, 'Thank God for Newark.'" -Conan O'Brien



"Yesterday in Minnesota, a 70-year-old man completed his 163rd marathon. That's amazing. His family celebrated by taking him out to a five-star emergency room." -Jimmy Fallon

***

"I still can't get over that Chicago lost the bid for the Olympics to Rio. Are the Olympics all about looking good in a bikini made of dental floss?" -Craig Ferguson



My husband and I decided to take our two children, then ages seven and three, to our favorite "adult" restaurant for the first time. The younger child refused to stay in her seat and danced around our table. Her sister, tears rolling down her face, laughed loudly at the three-year-old's antics and pounded the table.

Beet-red with embarrassment, my husband warned them through clenched teeth, "If you don't start behaving, you'll never eat out with us again!"

The man at the next table leaned over to his wife. "Look dear," he said. "Quality time!"



I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, "I'm going to mop the floor with your face."

I said, "You'll be sorry."

He said, "Oh, yeah? Why?"

I said, "Well, It's not very absorbant and you won't be able to get into the corners very well."



"Listen to this. The New York Times is now reporting it's possible to catch the flu from money. They say the virus can live on a $20 bill for more than 10 days. So, not only is the virus contagious, it's also very frugal." --Jay Leno



"A new study says that women who drink moderate amounts of alcohol every day lose more weight than women that don't drink at all. At least, that's what your wife will slur to you after she forgets to pick up the kids from soccer practice." -Jimmy Kimmel



"A seventh grade teacher in California was arrested for teaching while drunk. Which is why an entire Earth Science class now thinks hurricanes are formed when rum collides with lime juice, passion fruit, and crushed ice in a hot pink souvenir cup from Senor Frog's." -Jimmy Fallon



My 10-year-old daughter has decided she is an environmentalist. So she talked me into participating in an aggressive recycling effort with her.

Last week she and I took what proved to be 134 pounds of cardboard boxes to the recycling center and earned $1.34. Counting gas and ice cream, we turned a profit of -$7.85.

We're going to use generally accepted accounting principles and see if we can apply this amount to our taxable income.



At the beginning of my junior year of high school in Arkansas, our homeroom teacher had us fill out a form stating our future goals. Out of curiosity, I leaned over to see what my friend put down for her aspirations. Where it read "Vocational Plans" she had written, "Florida."

Jokes for 01/13

Harrison Ford was a carpenter before being discovered by George Lucas.

Not many people know he was also an inventor and an inveterate gambler. He once developed a hand-held gadget that could predict where the roulette ball would stop based on how hard the croupier turned the wheel, thus preventing losing bets.

It was the reader of the loss torque.



During a performance for the high school drama class at the local theatre, a hole was cracked in the stage floor. Subsequent acts managed to avoid the damaged area until little Freddy, juggling bowling pins, accidentally stepped through the hole up to his knee. He apologized to the audience for his clumsiness. But a heckler in the back of the theatre shouted: "Don't worry, Freddy! It's just a stage you're going through!"



A woman calls her boss one morning and tells him that she is staying home because she is not feeling well.

"So, what's the matter?" he asks.

"I have a case of anal glaucoma," she says in a weak voice.

"And what the hell is anal glaucoma?"

"I just can't see my ass coming into work today."



A girl pulled into a crowded parking lot and rolled down the car windows to make sure her Labrador Retriever in the back seat had fresh air while she went into the store. The dog was stretched out on the back seat, and she wanted to impress upon her that she must remain there.

She walked to the curb backward, pointing her finger at the car and saying emphatically, "Now you stay. Do you hear me? Stay! Stay!"

The driver of a nearby car gave her a strange look and said. "Why don't you just put it in park?"



"Critics are calling 'Jersey Shore' the most offensive thing the United States has done to Italy since the opening of Olive Garden." -Jay Leno



"A new study found that eating healthy adds $380 to your grocery bill every year. Or as Americans put it, 'Cool, I saved $380 this year!'" -Jimmy Fallon



"The stock market had its biggest one-day drop since 2008. Remember how the experts said we had to raise the debt ceiling or the market would crash? That's why I don't listen to experts. All my money is tied up in Skee ball tickets." -Jimmy Kimmel



In a grocery store a cashier held up a small dairy carton and yelled to a co-worker, "How much is half-and-half?"

Without a moment's hesitation the other cashier replied, "One."



In honor of Memorial Day, the teacher I worked with read the Constitution to her third-grade class. After reading "We the people," she paused to ask the children what they thought that meant.

One boy raised his hand and asked, "Is that like 'We da bomb?'"

Jokes for 01/12

Military Pilot Takeoffs

Naval/Marine Aviator

On a carrier, the Naval Aviator looks over at the Catapult Officer ("Shooter") who gives the run up engines signal by rotating his finger above his head. The pilot pushes the throttle forward, verifies all flight controls are operational, checks all gauges, and gives the Cat officer a brisk salute, continuing the Navy/Marine tradition of asking permission to leave the ship. The Cat officer drops to one knee while swooping his arm forward and pointing down deck, granting that permission. The pilot is immediately catapulted and becomes airborne.

Air Force Aviator

We've all seen Air Force pilots at the air force base look up just before taxiing for takeoff and the ground crew waits until the pilot's thumb is sticking straight up. The crew chief then confirms that he sees the thumb, salutes, and the Air Force pilot then takes off. This time-tested tradition is the last link in the Air Force safety net to confirm that the pilot does not have his thumb up his ass.

Army Aviator

If you've ever seen an Army helicopter pilot preparing for takeoff, you will note that the pilot gives the ground guy a thumbs up before he is given hover and takeoff signals. There are two theories about the origin of this gesture. One is that it is to show that the pilot has identified which of his fingers is the thumb so that he will be able to properly operate his controls. The most compelling theory says that this is to show the ground crewman that the pilot indeed knows which direction is up.



"A company in Britain has created a car that can be powered by human waste. It's cool, but it gets a little uncomfortable when your buddy asks you to 'chip in' for gas." -Jimmy Fallon



The guy says, "Doc, I'm having trouble getting it up."

The doctor examines him and says, "You'll need to have some work done to bring back your sex drive. I can do it in a series of operations that will take thirty days and cost twelve thousand dollars, or I can do it in one operation right away that would cost thirty thousand dollars. Why don't you go home and discuss it with your wife?"

The next day the guy comes back into the doctor's office. The doctor says, "What did you decide?"

He says, "We're going to re-do the kitchen."



"This week in New Zealand, a man who lost his wedding ring in the ocean found it in the water over a year later. The man says the most amazing thing about the story is that his wife fell for it." -Conan O'Brien



"Doc, I think my son has gonorrhea," a patient told his urologist on the phone. "The only woman he's screwed is our maid."

"Ok, don't be hard on him. He's just a kid," the medic soothed. "Get him in here right away and I'll take care of him."

"But, Doc. I've been screwing the maid too and I've got the same symptoms he has."

"Then you come in with him and I'll fix you both up." Replied the doctor.

"Well," the man admitted, " I think my wife now has it too."

"Son of a bitch!" the physician roared. "That means we've all got it!"



A rabbit and a lion come into a bar together and order martinis. The bartender puts out a bowl of peanuts, a bowl of popcorn, and a bowl of pretzels, which the rabbit begins eating. The lion just sips his martini.

"What's the matter?" asks the bartender of the lion. "Aren't you hungry?"

"Don't be silly," the rabbit answers. "If he were hungry, do you think I'd be sitting here?"



Did you hear about the guy in Paris who almost got away with stealing several paintings from the Louvre?

After planning the crime, getting in and out past security, he was captured only two blocks away when his Econoline ran out of gas.

When asked how he could mastermind such a crime and then make such an obvious error, he replied: "Monsieur, I had no Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh."



There were two rednecks walking toward each other down the street. One of them was carrying a sack. When they met up, the other redneck asked, "Whatcha got in that there sack?"

The redneck with the sack replied, "Just some chickens." The other redneck said, "If I guess how many chickens are in that there sack, can I have one?"

The redneck with he sack answered, "I'll give ya both of them if you get it right."

So, the other redneck thought and thought, and he finally said, "Five?"

Jokes for 01/11

"A 99-year-old man is filing for divorce from his 96-year-old wife, making them the world's oldest divorced couple. It's got to be weird when a divorce lawyer is fighting for your kids to get custody of you." -Jimmy Fallon



"According to a new study, people with liberal arts degrees are experiencing much higher rates of joblessness. So for all of you Greeks classics majors out there, the sweet ride is finally over." -Conan O'Brien



"Dunkin' Donuts is doubling the amount of locates in the United States. Remember when this country used to make steel and automobiles and now it's crullers, jelly doughnuts, and munchkins?" -David Letterman



I was the nurse caring for a couple's newborn first child, a son, after his cesarean birth. Since the mother was asleep under general anesthesia we took our tiny charge directly to the newborn nursery to introduce him to his daddy. While cuddling his son for the first time, he noticed the baby's ears conspicuously standing out from his head. He expressed his concern that some kids might call his son names like"Dumbo." The pediatrician reassured the new dad that his son was healthy, the ears could be easily corrected during childhood.

The father still worried about his wife's reaction to those large protruding ears. "She doesn't take things as easily as I do," he worried.

By this time, the new mother was ready to meet her precious son. I placed the tiny bundle in his mother's arms and eased the blanket back so that she could gaze upon her child for the first time.

She took one look at her baby's face and looked to her husband and gasped, "Oh, Honey! Look! He has your ears!"



A man pacing back and forth glanced at his watch and yelled upstairs to his wife, "Honey, are you ready yet?"

Shouting back, the woman replies, "For crying out loud, Ed, I've been telling you for the last half hour...I'll be ready in a minute!"



"A recent study found that cheese is healthier to eat than butter. In response, Americans were like, 'Just to be safe, I better eat both.'" -Jimmy Fallon



"Near Antarctica, scientists just discovered some new undersea creatures. I believe this deep sea discovery is yet more evidence of the wonderful bio-diversity in our oceans that we have to clear out if we're going to get at that tasty crude oil." -Craig Ferguson



"According to new poll done by 60 minutes 2 percent of voters believe that Mitt Romney's real first name is Mittens." -Jimmy Kimmel



Two old gambling friends meeting on the street for the first time in several weeks and one asked the other, "Joe, where have you been? Haven't seen you around for weeks."

"I've been to South Africa with my son. While I was there, I taught some of them to play poker."

"Africa, huh? Zulus?"

"Nah, I beat 'em 9 times out of ten."



As the high school teacher was correcting essays written by her students she read, "Pedro jumped on his burrow and rode off into the sunset."

She wrote at the bottom of the page, "You obviously have problems with homonyms. A burrow is a hole in the ground. A burro is an ass. At your age it's time to learn the difference."

Jokes for 01/09

"There's a new website that allows you to use Facebook, Twitter, e-mail, surf the web, and read all the news in one place. That one place is called 'work." -Conan O'Brien



"Budweiser announced they are coming out with a beer that has caffeine in it. "I am so tired in the morning. I really don't get moving until I have my first cup of beer." --Jay Leno



"The FDA says it will limit the amount of pain reliever found in Vicodin. Which explains my new substitute for Vicodin: two Vicodin." -Jimmy Fallon



Arriving home from work as usual at 5:30 p.m., I discovered that it had not been one of my wife's better days. Nothing I said or did seemed to be right.

By 7 p.m. things had not changed, so before a fight started in earnest I suggested I go outside, pretend I had just gotten home, and start all over again. My wife agreed.

I went outside, came back in and, with a big smile, announced, "Honey, I'm home!"

"And just where have you been?" she replied sharply. "It's after seven o'clock!"



My wife and I were browsing in a crafts store when I noticed a display of country-style musical instruments.

After looking over the flutes, dulcimers and recorders, I picked up a shiny, one-stringed instrument I took to be a mouth harp.

I put it to my lips and, much to the amusement of other shoppers, twanged a few notes on it.

After watching from a distance, my wife came up and whispered in my ear, "I hate to tell you this, honey, but you're trying to play a cheese slicer."



"Men are like fine wine. They all start out like grapes, and it's our job to stomp on them and keep them in the dark until they mature into something which you'd like to have dinner with." -Anonymous woman



On duty as a customer-service rep for a car-rental company, I took a call from a driver who needed a tow. He was stranded on a busy highway, but he didn't know the make of the car he was driving. I asked again for a more detailed description beyond a "blue, four-door sedan."

"It's the one on fire," he replied.



"My ten year old daughter asked me what a colon was and I explained that it was a part of the body that food goes through before being eliminated. Then she asked me what a semicolon was and I told her that it was a colon the size of a truck with eighteen wheels."



I'm a driving examiner for the state of Indiana, and while I was giving a road test to a young man, he went through a red light without stopping. I told him that he had automatically failed the test. We met up with his mother back at the office, and I explained what had happened. At first she was speechless. Then she asked incredulously, "He ran a red light?"

"Yes," I replied.

"Well," persisted the mom, "how red was the light?"



My aunt's young family with two boys ages 3 and 4, had attended church one spring morning.

As they left the church the pastor said, "Well, look at you boys, all bright eyed and bushy tailed!"

Joe the older boy loudly announced, "We don't got tails; we got Dinkys!"

My aunt was mortified.

Jokes for 01/06

"A week has no basis in nature, as do days, months and years. So birds don't understand weeks or weekdays. They do know enough to come back to the sidewalk cafe every day for crumbs. But suppose the cafe is in the business district and closed on weekends? What do the birds think of that? I'll bet they're really glad when Monday rolls around. Unlike the rest of us." --George Carlin



"Why is New Jersey called the Garden State? Cause it's too hard to fit 'Oil and Petro-Refinery State' on a license plate." --Sandra Bullock in Miss Congeniality



"Someone has said that there are only two kinds of people in the world---- There are those who wake up in the morning and say, "Good Morning, Lord," and there are those who wake up in the morning and say, "Good Lord, it's morning." --Unknown



Even with a thousand games, dolls and crafts to choose from, my customer at the toy store still couldn't find a thing for her grandson.

"Maybe a video or something educational?" I asked.

"No, that's not it," she said.

We wandered the aisles until something caught her eye: a laser gun with flashing lights and 15 different high-pitched sounds.

"This is perfect," she said, beaming. "My daughter-in-law will hate it."



After I prosecuted a man for killing a bird out of season with his slingshot, the court clerk suggested setting up a date for him to return with both the money for the fine and proof of community service.

"That way," she said innocently, "you can kill two birds with one stone."



"Ninety-nine percent of the eggnog purchased all year is purchased during the week before Christmas. And 99 percent of that eggnog is poured down the drain during the week after Christmas." -Jimmy Kimmel



"There's only a few days left to finish your Christmas shopping. Or as most guys look at it, 'There's still a few days left to start my Christmas shopping.'" -Jimmy Fallon



"Here's a fun fact: You know how much Christmas wrapping paper is on the average roll? Four inches less than you need." -Jay Leno



As we were putting out cookies for Santa on Christmas Eve, I accidentally dropped one. "No problem," I said, picking it up and dusting it off before placing it back on the plate.

"You can't do that," argued my four-year-old.

"Don't worry. Santa will never know."

He shot me a look. "So he knows if I've been bad or good, but he doesn't know if you dropped a cookie on the floor?"



Every December it was the same excruciating tradition. Our family would get up at the crack of dawn, go to a Christmas tree farm and tromp across acres of snow in search of the perfect tree. Hours later our feet would be freezing, but Mom would press on, convinced the tree of her dreams was "just up ahead."

One year I snapped. "Mom, face it. The perfect tree doesn't exist. It's like looking for a man. Just be satisfied if you can find one that isn't dead, doesn't have too many bald spots and is straight."

Jokes for 01/05

"If there is a government shutdown, 800,000 nonessential federal employees will be suspended. You know, maybe that's our budget problem right there. We have 800,000 nonessential federal employees." -Jay Leno



"According to a new survey, 75 percent of employees would rather get a cash bonus than spend time with coworkers at a holiday party. All I can say to my staff is, 'See you at the holiday party.'" -Conan O'Brien



"Researchers at the University College of London report that indoor heating makes us fat. They say cold air helps us stay thin. Unless, of course, that blast of cold air you're getting is from constantly opening the refrigerator door." -Jay Leno



"Camping Tips"

Q. What equipment will I need to go camping?

A. You need a tent. Tent sizes are measured in units of men, as in "a three-man tent"; this tells you how many men are required to erect the tent if they are all professional tent engineers. Even then, the tent will collapse under unusual weather conditions, such as nightfall. You will also need a hatchet, for the spiders, and a credit card, for the motel.

Q. Where should I go camping?

A. The United States has a spectacular national park system with millions of unspoiled acres where wildlife is protected by federal laws. Avoid these places. You want a commercial facility with a name like "The Stop 'n' Squat Kountry Kamp-ground," where large animals cannot fit through the 6-inch gaps between the Winnebagos.

Q. How much food should I take?

A. A lot. You'll be providing food not only for your family, but also for the entire raccoon community. When I was a boy in rural Armonk, our garbage cans were regularly terrorized by a gang of brilliant criminal raccoons. I recall being awakened at 3 a.m. by loud noises and looking out the window to see, by moonlight, my father, a peace-loving Presbyterian minister, charging around in the bushes, wildly swinging a baseball bat and saying non-Presbyterian words.

Of course, he did not get the raccoons; you NEVER get the raccoons.

Q. What if I get lost?

A. If you don't have a compass, stand very still and listen very carefully, until you hear this sound: "eh-eh-eh." That is Canada. Whatever you do, don't go that way.



A 17-year-old girl came home with five job applications. She carefully filled them out, and later asked her mother to look them over.

All the answers were clear and concise and she noticed that on all five applications, under "Previous Employment", she had listed "Baby-sitting".

But then she read, under "Reason for Leaving" her daughter had answered, "Parents came home."



Driving along I-90, just west of Chicago, I passed a sign posted by the police department: "Report drivers using a cell phone. Call *99."



"I grew up Catholic, but I hated nuns. When I was a little girl, I used to dress my Barbie in a nun's habit so she could beat the hell out of Skipper and not get in trouble for it." --Brynn Harris



A bar in NYC is installing a breathalyzer. If your drunk, it advises you not to drive. If you're really, really drunk, it advises you not to call your old girlfriend.



I was in my wills and trusts course when the professor posed this question to the students: Why do people choose to have their children, rather than their siblings, inherit their estate?

After students offered various theories, one fellow raised his hand. "This may be a bit off the point," he said, "but when I was little, when my brother and sister finished playing with me, they would put me into a drawer."



Bad weather meant I was stuck overnight at O'Hare airport in Chicago. Along with hotel accommodations, the airline issued each passenger a $10 meal ticket, or "chit." That evening after dinner I presented my meal ticket to the cashier.

"Is this chit worth $10?" I asked.

Looking up nervously, the cashier responded, "I'm sorry, sir. Was the meal that bad?"

Jokes for 01/04

FIVE RULES TO REMEMBER IN LIFE
1. Money cannot buy happiness, but it’s more comfortable to cry in a Bentley than
On a bicycle.
2. Forgive your enemy, but remember the asshole’s name.
3. If you help someone when they are in trouble, they will remember you when
they're in trouble again.
4. Many people are alive only because it’s illegal to shoot them.
5. Alcohol does not solve any problems, but then neither does milk.

THERE YOU HAVE IT.



Looking through the want ads last week, I came across a job that required a college degree or the equivalent. Finally, I thought, my eight years of high school are paying off."



I prefer to describe myself as a "Contemporary Anthropological Interactive Observer" because it has just the right amount of flair. Besides...."stalker" is such an ugly word.



A lot of people wonder how you know if you're really in love. Just ask yourself this one question: "Would I mind being destroyed financially by this person?"



A help desk operator takes a call from a hysterical secretary. It seems she was playing on her boss's brand new business computer and she spilled sticky soda on the "keyboard."

The help desk operator figured, "What the hell. It's only a $10 keyboard" and told her to unplug it, rinse the keys under the tap and leave it somewhere to dry.

The next morning her boss rings the help desk demanding to speak to the manager. This guy really wants the help desk operator's job, he's that upset.

What he wants to know is... "What clown told my secretary to put $2000 worth of laptop under a tap?"



Five Jewish men who influenced the history of Western civilization.

Moses said the law is everything.
Jesus said love is everything.
Marx said capital is everything.
Freud said sex is everything.
Einstein said everything is relative.



"The New York Daily News reported that Obama bought the Wii game 'Just Dance' for his daughters, Sasha and Malia. Or in other words, the New York Daily News just ruined the fun of opening presents for Sasha and Malia." -Jimmy Fallon



"The best part about holiday parties is the alcohol. You have a couple of drinks and you tell your coworkers and your superiors what you really think about them. And then the fun begins." -David Letterman



"The Pope came out again this week against materialism. He says for Christmastime, instead of giving material presents, you should give of yourself. You can really tell the Pope's not married, can't you?" -Jay Leno



When I was a kid adults used to bore me to tears with their tedious diatribes about how hard things were when they were growing up.

What with walking twenty-five miles to school every morning uphill both ways through year 'round blizzards carrying their younger siblings on their backs to their one-room schoolhouse where they maintained a straight-A average despite their full-time after-school job at the local textile mill where they worked for 35 cents an hour just to help keep their family from starving to death!

And I remember promising myself that when I grew up there was no way I was going to lay that on kids about how hard I had it and how easy they've got it!

But....

Now that I've reached the ripe old age of thirty, I can't help but look around and notice the youth of today.

You've got it so easy! I mean, compared to my childhood, you live in a Utopia! And I hate to say it but you kids today don't know how good you've got it!

I mean, when I was a kid we didn't have the Internet. If we wanted to know something, we had to go to the library and look it up ourselves!

And there was no email! We had to actually write somebody a letter, with a pen! And then you had to walk all the way across the street and put it in the mailbox and it would take like a week to get there!

And there were no MP3s or Napsters! If you wanted to steal music, you had to go to the record store and shoplift it yourself! Or, we had to wait around all day to tape it off the radio and the DJ would usually talk over the beginning and mess it all up!

You want to hear about hardship?

We didn't have fancy stuff like Call Waiting! If you were on the phone and somebody else called, they got a busy signal!

And we didn't have fancy Caller ID Boxes either! When the phone rang, you had no idea who it was, it could be your boss, your Mom, a collections agent, you didn't know!!!

You just had to pick it up and take your chances, mister!

And we didn't have any fancy Sony Playstation videogames with high-resolution 3-D graphics!

We had the Atari 2600! With games like "Space Invaders" and "Asteroids"! Your guy was a little square! You had to use your imagination! And there were no multiple levels or screens, it was just one screen forever!

And you could never win, the game just kept getting harder and faster until you died!

Just like LIFE!

When you went to the movie theater, there was no such thing as stadium seating! All the seats were the same height! If a tall guy sat in front of you, you watched his hairstyle!

And sure, we had cable television, but back then that was only like 20 channels and there was no onscreen menu! You had to use a little book called a TV Guide to find out what was on!

And there was no Cartoon Network! You could only get cartoons on Saturday morning... D'ya hear what I'm saying!?!

We had to wait ALL WEEK!

That's exactly what I'm talking about! You kids today have got it too easy. You're spoiled!

You guys wouldn't last five minutes back in 1984!



At a posh Manhattan dinner party, a Latin American visitor was telling the guests about this home country and himself. As he concluded, he said, "And I have a charming and understanding wife but, alas, no children."

As his listeners appeared to be waiting for him to continue, he said, haltingly, "You see, my wife is unbearable."

Puzzled glances prompted him to try to clarify the matter: "What I mean is, my wife is inconceivable."

As his companions seemed amused, he floundered deeper into the intricacies of the English language, explaining triumphantly, "That is, my wife, she is impregnable!"

Jokes for 12/16

"A guy went loose in a mall in New Hampshire smashing things with a hammer and he's charged with feeling like we all do in a mall around Christmas time." -Conan O'Brien



"The Library of Congress has partnered with Twitter to store every tweet ever posted. The Library of Congress is home to some of the most important documents in history including the Declaration of Independence, the Constitution, and now it will so include tweets from Gretchen44, who likes strawberry balsamic vinegar on her salad." -Jimmy Kimmel



"They have discovered a planet just like Earth, 600 light-years away and they are calling it 'Superearth.' They have affordable housing and better schools but other than that, it's just like Earth." -Dave Letterman



I returned home from my ninth business trip of the year with a severe bout of jet lag-induced foot-in-mouth disease. As we prepared to go to sleep that night, I wrapped my arms around my better half, gave her a kiss, and announced, "It's good to be in my own bed, with my own wife!"



A stock analyst and a Wall Street broker went to the racetrack. The broker suggested betting $12,000 on a certain horse. The analyst was skeptical; he had never been to the races before and wanted to understand the rules and look over all the horses before placing a wager.

"You're too cautious and detail-oriented," the broker criticized as he placed his large bet. His horse won and he raked in a bundle of money.

"What's your secret?" the analyst asked.

"It's simple," the broker explained. "I have two kids... ages two and six...so I add their ages together and bet on number nine."

"But two and six is eight, not nine!" protested the analyst.

"See!" the broker replied, "I told you you're too cautious and detail-oriented."



"Hey, I heard that 7-Eleven is now selling potato chips that taste like hot dogs. Seriously? I'm still waiting for 7-Eleven to sell hot dogs that taste like hot dogs." -Jimmy Fallon



"A newspaper is a thing that people used to read. It's like a website, but all the information is from yesterday." -Craig Ferguson



"A new version of the Bible is being published that is gender-neutral. For instance, the books of 'Mark, Luke, and John' are now the books of 'Kris, Jean, and Terry.'" --Conan O'Brien



Although he always ordered just ham and eggs everyday, one customer at the diner always studied the menu carefully each day before ordering.

One day, his regular waitress decided to see if he could be made to order anything else. Before giving him the menu she marked out the ham and eggs entry.

Once the customer had looked over the menu for a few minutes, the waitress approached him and asked, "Sir, did you notice that I scratched something you like?"

Without looking up from the menu, he quickly replied, "Well, would you mind washing your hands before you bring me my ham and eggs?"



Back in the days of the Roman Empire, the famous Emperor Nero instituted a new game. The players would take those little disks you set your glass on in order to protect the furniture, and see who could get the most distance rolling them across the floor.

They were the first roller coasters. Back in those days, the disks were made of iron, and they would bet on whose disk would roll the farthest.

They called them ferrous wheels.

Jokes for 12/14

"Everybody has been in a very festive mood. I even saw two strangers splitting a cab. One guy took the tires, one guy took the radio." -David Letterman



"Schools here in Los Angeles aren't allowing Santa Claus to come into the schools anymore. Not because of religious reasons, but they claim he's wearing gang colors." -Jay Leno



"A Swedish firm has designed an efficient city featuring buildings on wheels that can be moved in or out of town as desired. This ingenious city of the future is known as a trailer park." -Conan O'Brien



To get a man's attention, just stand in front of the TV and don't move. He'll talk to you. I promise.

"C'mon, Honey. Really, Honey. Honey!" A real man will just sit there and wait for you to step aside. If you don't, eventually he'll say, "What? All right, what? I'm sitting here, okay? I'm listening!"

Another way to get his attention is to fool around with his stereo equipment. Or mess around with the car. Adjusting the timing chain is a good one. If he has a tool pegboard, remove a tool and hide it somewhere special. Within a day he'll notice that it's gone and come right to you. Be prepared though, He will be cranky.

More attention getters: scratch the paint on his car, throw out his favorite sweatshirt, or punch him in the stomach when he's not looking. His expression alone will be priceless.

--Tim Allen



While I was working in the men's section of a department store, a woman asked me to help her choose a white dress shirt for her husband.

When I asked about his size, the woman looked stumped at first, then her face brightened. She held up her hands, forming a circle with her forefingers and thumbs.

"I don't know his size," she said, "but my hands fit perfectly around his neck."



"A woman in Buffalo set a new world record for eating 183 buffalo wings. I don't think there will be a second date." -David Letterman



"'Dancing With the Stars' has big names this season, including that guy from that thing." -Craig Ferguson



"Beaches in Italy are now training dogs to become lifeguards. That should work as long as someone throws a tennis ball at you while you're drowning." -Jimmy Fallon



A four-year-old was showing a little friend the family photos that covered one wall in their basement. Out of sight but not out of earshot, her mother overheard her say, "Here's a picture of my mommy when she was a little girl. I wasn't there, but people say she used to be nice."



A group of tourists were watching the re-enactment of an ancient Egyptian religious ritual. One turned to a nearby local, pointed to the statue that was being praised and asked, "Pardon me, but what was the name of that god supposed to be?"

"Why do you ask?" the man replied.

The tourist shrugged. "Just idol curiosity, I guess."

Jokes for 12/13

"In Utah a hunter was shot when his dog stepped on his shotgun. The dog later apologized and said, 'Sorry, but you did neuter me.'" -Conan O'Brien



"A couple got married in a Starbucks. Isn't that nice? What, Dunkin' Donuts not good enough?" -Dave Letterman



"Today is International Ninja Day, when people are encouraged to carry toy weapons and wear black masks. And as I found out the hard way, my bank wasn't celebrating it." -Jimmy Fallon



My friend has a bad habit of overdrawing her bank account. One day before we went shopping, I complained about my lack of funds and lamented, "Guess I'll use plastic."

Unconcerned, she whipped out her checkbook and said: "I'm using rubber."



I was recently talking with a friend who bemoaned her family's lack of holiday rituals. "My family doesn't have any traditions," she complained. "We just do the same thing year after year after year."



"A new survey found that half of all American employees have faked a sick day. While the other half have just lied on a survey." -Jimmy Fallon



"Fashion Week starts today in New York. If you can tell, I'm very much into fashion. My outfit tonight is called 'Creepy Uncle.'" -Craig Ferguson



"President Obama plans to create thousands of new jobs by replacing all automobile GPS systems with real people who sit in the back seat with a map." -Jimmy Kimmel



My husband grew increasingly displeased as our teenage daughter and her boyfriend studied in her room late one evening. Finally losing patience shortly after midnight, he knocked sharply on her door. Her boyfriend immediately opened it and asked if something was wrong.

"I have to ask you to move your car," my husband told him.

"Oh, sure. Is it in someone's way?"

"No," he replied, "it's parked in the wrong driveway."



A new employee calls the Help Desk to complain that there's something wrong with her password.

"The problem is that whenever I type the password, it just shows stars," she says.

"Those asterisks are to protect you," the Help Desk technician explains, "so if someone were standing behind you, they wouldn't be able to read your password."

"Yeah," she says, "but they show up even when there is no one standing behind me."

Jokes for 12/12

Two nuns were in back of the convent smoking cigarettes, when one said,"It's bad enough that we have to sneak out here to smoke, but it really is a problem getting rid of the cigarette butts so Mother Superior doesn't find them."

The second nun said, "I've found a marvelous invention called the condom, which really solves this problem. You just open the packet up, take out the condom, and put the cigarette butt in, roll it up, and dispose of it all later!"

The first nun was quite impressed and asked where she could find them.

"You get them at the drug store, sister, just go and ask the pharmacist for them." The next day the good sister went to the drug store and walked up to the counter. "Good morning, sister," said the pharmacist.

"What can I do for you today?"

"I'd like some condoms, please," said the nun. The pharmacist was a little taken aback, but recovered soon enough and asked,

"How many boxes would you like? There are twelve to a box."

"I'll take six boxes - that should last about a week," she replied.

The pharmacist was truly flabbergasted by this time, and was almost afraid to ask any more questions, but his professionalism prevailed and he asked in a clear voice, "Sister, what size condoms would you like - we have large, extra large, and big liar size."

The sister thought for a minute, and finally said, "I'm not certain, perhaps you could recommend a good size for a Camel."



A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana. She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.

After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, "Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!"

The shopkeeper said, "By all means, be my guest. Maybe you'll luck out and catch yourself a big one!"

Determined, the blonde turned and headed for the swamps, set on catching herself an alligator.

Later in the day, the shopkeeper was driving home, when he spotted the young woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand. Just then, he saw a huge 9-foot alligator swimming quickly toward her. She took aim, killed the creature, and with a great deal of effort hauled it on to the swamp bank.

Lying nearby were several more of the dead creatures. The shopkeeper watched in amazement. Just then the blonde flipped the alligator on its back, and frustrated, shouted out, "Damn it, this one isn't wearing any shoes either!"



A circus owner runs an ad for a lion tamer and two young people show up. One is a good looking guy in his mid- twenties and the other is a gorgeous blonde about the same age.

The circus owner tells them, "I'm not going to sugar coat it. This is one ferocious lion. He ate my last tamer so you both better be good or you're history. Here's your equipment - a chair, a whip, and a gun. Who wants to try out first?"

The girl says, "I'll go first." She walks past the chair, the whip and the gun and steps right into the lion's cage. The lion starts to snarl and pant and begins to charge her, so she throws open her coat revealing her beautiful naked body.

The lion stops dead in his tracks, sheepishly crawls up to her and starts licking her ankles. He continues to lick her calves, kisses them, and then rests his head at her feet.

The circus owner's mouth is on the floor. He remarks, "I've never seen a display like that in my life." He then turns to the young man and asks, "Can you top that?"

"No problem," replies the young man, "just get that lion out of the way."



"Hey, I read about a McDonald's in California that was built with mostly recycled synthetic material. Which is ironic because recycled synthetic material is also the main ingredient in a McRib." -Jimmy Fallon



"The candidates at the Republican debate looked like a town council that was outlawing dancing." -David Letterman



"People around the world think America is the coolest country. Now if you'll excuse me, I have an explosion to walk away from while I put on sunglasses in slow motion." -Jimmy Kimmel



As I serviced an alarm system at a jewelry store recently, the saleswoman let me know that the store was having a 20 percent off sale.

"I bet your girlfriend would love it if you bought her something." she suggested.

"I don't have a girlfriend," I answered.

"No girlfriend? Why not?"

"My wife won't let me."



Although I knew our commanding officer hated doling out weekend passes, I thought I had a good reason.

"My wife is pregnant and I want to be with her," I told the C.O. Much to my surprise he said, "Permission granted."

Inspired by my success, a fellow soldier also requested a weekend pass. His wife wasn't pregnant, so when the C.O. asked why he should grant him permission, my friend responded, "My wife is getting pregnant this weekend and I want to be with her."

Jokes for 12/09

"Due to the bad economy, the Queen of England's salary will be frozen for the next four years. In fact, to make ends meet the queen is thinking of having a yard sale. Getting rid of a lot of stuff they don't use anymore, like Canada." -Jay Leno



"There is a new website that allows parents to rent toys instead of buying them for Christmas. The website is perfect for parents who aren't sure that they love their child." -Conan O'Brien



"It's the anniversary of the day prohibition was repealed in 1933. Prohibition was a dark time. Alcohol was illegal and peppermint latte was not invented yet. How did people make it through the day?" -Craig Ferguson



Seeing her friend Sally wearing a new locket, Meg asks if there is a memento of some sort inside.

"Yes," says Sally, "a lock of my husband's hair."

"But Larry's still alive."

"I know, but his hair is gone."



I was in small-claims court when I listened in on the case of a woman who held a good job but still had trouble paying her bills on time.

"Can't you live within your income?" asked the judge.

"No, Your Honor," she said. "It's all I can do to live within my credit."



"A new study found that women gain more weight after marriage, but men gain more weight after a divorce. Yeah, the divorce usually takes place after men point out that women gained more weight after marriage." -Jimmy Fallon



"A lot of accidents are caused by bikers who don't have a feel for the road, like the dentists and accountants that take Harleys out on the weekend." -Craig Ferguson



"The World Economic Forum, which ranks economies, moved the United States down to 5th place. Switzerland came in 1st place. I guess those little army knives are selling like crazy." -Jimmy Kimmel



"Hello Mrs. Miller," said the bearded guy behind the counter at the bagel shop.

My husband and I looked at him but drew complete blanks. "I'm sorry, do we know each other?" I asked.

"Yeah, you was my English teacher."

Leaning over, my husband whispered, "Good job, Honey, good job."



Everyone knows I'm a stickler for good spelling. So, when an associate e-mailed technical documents asking me to "decifer" them, I had to set him straight.

I wrote, "Decipher is spelled with a ph, not an f. In case you've forgotten, spell checker comes free with your software."

A minute later, I got this reply, "Mine must be dephective."

Jokes for 12/08

"Grandparents complain that their families don't call them. But in their defense, a lot of the time that people call, grandparents answer the blender." -Craig Ferguson



"Cab drivers are now illegally overcharging you for made-up charges. I was in a cab today and I was charged $11 for shipping and handling." -David Letterman



"The University of Chicago is hosting an academic conference called 'Jersey Shore Studies.' Meanwhile in Korea, students are learning something called 'math.'" -Jimmy Kimmel



Future Novelists... These are actual analogies and metaphors found in high school essays

Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two other sides gently compressed by a thigh master.

His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.

He spoke with wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.

She grew on him like E. coli and he was room temperature Canadian beef.

She had a deep throaty genuine laugh like that sound a dog makes just before he throws up.

Her vocabulary was as bad, as, like, whatever.

He was a tall as a six foot three inch tree.

The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't.

McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a hefty bag filled with vegetable soup.

From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and Jeopardy comes on at 7 pm instead of 7:30.

Her hair glistened in the rain like nose hair after a sneeze.

Long separated by cruel fate, the star crossed lovers raced across a grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.

They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that resemble Nancy Kerrigan's teeth.

John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.

The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work.

"Oh, Jason, take me!" she panted, her breasts heaving like a college freshman on $1-a-beer night.

He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a really duck that was actually lame. Maybe from stepping on a landmine or something.

He was deeply in love when she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up.

Her eyes were like limpid pools, only they had forgotten to put in any pH cleanser.

She walked into my office like a centipede with 98 missing legs.

Her voice had that tense grating quality, like a generation thermal paper fax machine that needed a band tightening.



Grandpa was always going on about the good old days, and the lower cost of living, in particular.

"When I was a kid, my mom could send me to the store, and I'd get a salami, two pints of milk, 6 oranges, 2 loaves o' bread, a magazine, and some new blue jeans... all for a dollar!!"

Then Grandpa said sadly, "You can't DO that anymore....they got those darn video cameras everywhere you look."



"I like Medieval Times, but if they wanted to have a real medieval experience, they would knock out half your teeth and give you food that would give you dysentery." -Craig Ferguson



"According to the 'Wall Street Journal', researchers at Harvard have found an enzyme in the brain that regulates obesity. They said if it wasn't for our brains, we would all be thin. That's why supermodels are so skinny." --Jay Leno



"Obama says the jobs bill will be paid for. I don't like this focus on paying for things. That's what future generations are for." -Jimmy Kimmel



A woman in my office recently divorced after years of marriage, had signed up for a refresher CPR course.

"Is it hard to learn?" someone asked.

"Not at all," my co-worker replied. "Basically you're asked to breathe life into a dummy. I don't expect to have any problem. I did that for 12 years."

Jokes for 12/07

Pearl Harbor Day - 70 years ago...

"The good news is, the unemployment rate has dropped to 8.6 percent. The bad news is, most of those new jobs require a sack, a red suit, and a beard." -Jay Leno



"A man in Illinois was arrested for calling the cops five times because his iPhone wasn't working. Yup, someone was arrested for calling someone five times in one day. Do you hear that, Mom?" -Jimmy Fallon



"A new photo from one of Saturn's moons shows it may have all the elements necessary for life. Isn't that cool? Yeah, the three elements found there were nitrogen, methane and Red Bull." -Conan O'Brien



The elevator in our building malfunctioned one day, leaving several of us stranded. Seeing a sign that listed two emergency phone numbers, I dialed the first and explained our situation.

After what seemed to be a very long silence, the voice on the other end said, "I don't know what you expect me to do for you; I'm a psychologist."

"A psychologist?" I replied. "Your phone is listed here as an emergency number. Can't you help us?"

"Well," he finally responded in a measured tone. "How do you feel about being stuck in an elevator?"



When my 15-year-old son, Pat, stepped up to the plate during a Colt League baseball game, the young announcer declared, "Now batting, the right fielder, number 12, Pathogen!"

After some confusion in the stands, the announcer came back on over the loudspeaker. "Sorry, that's PAT Hogan!"



"Apparently the recession ended last June. So for those of you that are still broke and without a job, it's all in your head." -Jay Leno



"A man wearing an Obama mask robbed a bank. Either that or Obama has an exciting new plan to reduce the deficit." -Conan O'Brien



"Instead of sending in a written resume, a man in California recently got a job because of a YouTube video he made. As opposed to most people, who lose their job because of a YouTube video they made." -Jimmy Fallon



Before my son could start going on job interviews, he needed to dress the part. That, he decided, required a $500 suit.

"What!?" I answered, gagging at the price tag. "I've bought cars for $500!"

"That's why I want the $500 suit," he said. "So I don't have to drive $500 cars."



When my husband pointed out my tendency to retell the same stories over and over, I reminded him that he was just as guilty.

"Allow me to clarify," he said in response. "I review. You repeat."

Jokes for 12/06

"N.A.S.A. says they may never know where the satellite that crashed this week landed. They're planning to wait until it shows up on eBay." -Jay Leno



"Police in Los Angeles are looking for vandals who broke into the Obama campaign office. They said it was probably done by someone who was angry at the president. Well, that narrows it down." -Craig Ferguson



"Starting in January, couples can actually get married at McDonald's in Hong Kong. I'm not saying those marriages won't work, but when have you been to a McDonald's and not regretted it one hour later?" -Jimmy Fallon



Maybe this is why they don't teach music in high school any more. Following are actual answers from students on music tests...

- The principal singer of nineteenth century opera was called pre-Madonna.

- Gregorian chant has no music, just singers singing the same lines.

- Sherbet composed the Unfinished Symphony.

- All female parts were sung by castrati. We don't know exactly what they sounded like because there are no known descendants.

- Young scholars have expressed their rapture for the Bronze Lullaby, the Taco Bell Cannon, Beethoven's Erotica, Tchaikovsky Cracknutter Suite, and Gershwin's Rap City in Blue.

- Music sung by two people at the same time is called a duel; if they sing without music it is called Acapulco.

- A virtuoso is a musician with real high morals.

- Contralto is a low sort of music that only ladies sing.

- Probably the most marvelous fugue was the one between the Hatfields and the McCoys.

- I know what a sextet is but I'd rather not say.

- Johann Sebastian Bach wrote a great many musical compositions and had a large number of children. In between he practiced on an old spinster which he kept up in his attic.

- Rock Monanoff was a famous post-romantic composer of piano concerti.



I was traveling through Georgia last summer and stopped at a little backwoods country store. In the men's room there was a handwritten sign above the malfunctioning potty which said, "Please Wiggel Handel".

Below that some wit had written, "If I do, will it wiggel Bach?"



"The flight attendant will always tell you the name of your pilot. Like anyone goes, 'Oh, he's good. I like his work.'" --David Spade



"Correspondence schools are full of it. I saw an ad where they claimed they could teach you veterinarian medicine thought the mail. Hate to be a dog in that house. "Mail's here!" "Yip, yip, yip!" Talk about being a regular in the pet store, "Hey, didn't I already sell you a puppy?" --Drew Carey



"I like to think of my behavior in the sixties as a "learning experience." Then again, I like to think of anything stupid I've done as a "learning experience." It makes me feel less stupid." --P. J. O'Rourke



Our 25-year-old son moved back home with an eye toward socking away money to buy a condo. We never bothered asking how long he'd planned to stay, but I got a pretty good idea when I walked into his room recently. In the corner was a milk jug with a few coins in it and a label that read "Condo down payment."



As a secret shopper for a large department store, my sister made purchases at various chains and then reported back to supervisors on the clerks' performances. After a few weeks, I asked her if she was enjoying her new job.

"I love it!" she replied. "I'm getting paid for doing two of my favorite things in life--shopping and criticizing people."

Jokes for 12/05

Dude walks into a pharmacy laughing hysterically, orders 2 condoms, still laughing, pays the pharmacist and walks out laughing. The pharmacist is perplexed but doesn't give it a second thought. The next day the same guy walks in laughing hysterically, orders 2 condoms, still laughing, pays the pharmacist and walks out laughing.

The pharmacist remembers the day before and starts to wonder what's up but not for too long because he has work to do.The next day the same guy walks in laughing hysterically, orders 2 condoms, still laughing, pays the pharmacist and walks out laughing. Now the pharmacist is intrigued as to what is going on with this guy so he arranges with his assistant to follow the guy and find out where he is going, should the man return.

Wouldn't you know it, The same guy comes back the next day, laughing hysterically, orders 2 condoms, still laughing, pays the pharmacist and walks out laughing.

The assistant followed him as per his orders and came back 20 minutes later. The eager pharmacist asked his assistant where the man went? The assistant said:

"Your house."



A doctor and a lawyer were talking at a party.

Their conversation was constantly interrupted by people describing their ailments and asking the doctor for free medical advice.

After an hour of this, the exasperated doctor asked the lawyer, "What do you do to stop people from asking you for legal advice when you're out of the office?"

"I give it to them," replied the lawyer, "and then I send them a bill."

The doctor was shocked, but agreed to give it a try.

The next day, still feeling slightly guilty, the doctor prepared the bills.

When he went to place them in his mailbox, he found a bill from the lawyer.



"Amanda Knox has been acquitted. She spent four years in an Italian prison - it sounds bad, but it includes a salad and bread sticks." -David Letterman



"I don't know much about the Supreme Court. If it's anything like the Supreme Taco, it's like a regular court, but with extra sour cream." -Craig Ferguson



"More than 700 protestors were arrested over the weekend for blocking traffic on the Brooklyn Bridge. They say the best way to fight corporate greed is to make random people sit in traffic while they're trying to visit their aunt in Brooklyn." -Jimmy Kimmel



When our client's dog lapped up anti-freeze, the veterinarian I work for ordered a unique treatment: an IV drip mixing fluids with vodka. "Go buy the cheapest bottle you can find," he told me.

At the liquor store, I was uneasy buying cheap booze so early in the day, and I felt compelled to explain things to the clerk. "Believe it or not," I said, "this is for a sick dog."

As I was leaving, the next customer plunked down two bottles of muscatel and announced, "These are for my cats."



As I quizzed my driver's-education students about road signs, the one for Slow Moving Vehicle stumped them. So I offered them a hint by lifting the sign above my head and slowly parading up and down the room.

One student thought he had it: "Wide load!" he called out.



"Nissan is designing a car that will read the driver's mind. I already know what I'm going to do. I want a car that will read the other guy's mind." -Jay Leno



"Recently, Facebook founder Mark Zuckerberg went hunting and shot and killed a bison. Just before he pulled the trigger, he said, 'Consider yourself de-friended.'" -Conan O'Brien



"Well-known, veteran politicians were upended by candidates from the tea party. I've been to a lot of tea parties with my daughter and most of the people there are stuffed animals." -Jimmy Kimmel



A man and his friend were exiting a drugstore and at the front door there was a scale.

"Look, a scale," the man said to his friend. "Let's see how my new diet is working out."

He stepped on the scale.

"I can't believe it!" he said as he read the result. "I've been on this diet for two weeks but the scale says I'm heaver than I was before! How can that be?"

He pondered this as he stepped off the scale, then had a thought. He took off his jacket and handed it to his friend. "Here, hold my jacket," he said.

The friend took the jacket as the man stepped back on the scale.

Not much change.

"Here," he said as he handed his purchase from the drugstore to his friend. "Hold my Twinkies too."



Before I could enroll in my company's medical insurance plan, I needed to fill out a questionnaire. As expected, the form was very thorough, leaving nothing to chance.

One question asked, "Do you think you may need to go to the emergency room within the next three months?"

Jokes for 12/02

"A new study found that overweight men are more likely to have children with weight problems. Or in other words, if you get your dad's genes, you're also going to get his sweatpants." -Jimmy Fallon



"A new study says that obese people can lose weight if they walk 12 miles per week. As a result Applebee's is introducing a new 12 mile long buffet." --Conan O'Brien



"I don't think it's healthy how the holiday sales start on Thanksgiving night. You shouldn't spend Thanksgiving night in stores fighting with strangers. You should be at home, fighting with your family." -Craig Ferguson



While my wife and I were shopping at a mall, a shapely young woman in a short, form-fitting dress strolled by. My eyes involuntarily followed her.

Without looking up from the item she was examining, my wife asked, "Was that worth the trouble you're in?"



I was shopping with my roommate, and I saw a humorous button that said, "It might look like I'm doing nothing, but on a cellular level, I'm quite busy."

I showed it to her, and her response was, "Oh, I should buy that one, I'm always talking on mine."



Did you know that heaven and hell are actually right next to each other? They are separated by a big chain-link fence. Well, one day hell was having a big party and it got a little out of hand. God heard the ruckus and arrived to find his fence completely smashed by the wild partiers. He called the devil over and said "Look, Satan, you have to rebuild this fence." Satan agreed. The next day God noticed that the devil had completely rebuilt the fence...but it was 2 feet further into heaven than before.

"Satan!" beckoned God. "You have to take that fence down and put it back where it belongs!"

"Yeah? What if I don't?" replied the devil.

"I'll sue you if I have to," answered God.

"Sure," laughed Satan. "Where are you going to find a lawyer?"



A blonde phoned police to report that thieves had been in her car. "They've stolen the dashboard, the steering wheel, the brake pedal, even the accelerator," she cried out.

However, before the police investigation could start, the phone rang a second time and the same voice came over the line. "Never mind, I got in the back seat by mistake."

Jokes for 11/30

"Starbucks is planning to close down all the restrooms in its New York locations. Which explains the most popular new Starbucks order: An empty cup." -Jimmy Fallon



"If women have excessive belly fat and a muffin-top, it can be fatal. Especially if you mention it to her." -Jay Leno



"A woman in California is being studied because she says she remembers everything from the last 12 years. And I'm thinking, 'Wait a minute ? isn't that every woman?'" -Dave Letterman



I learned a lesson in marketing from a man who bought an old boat, a trailer and a motor from me. "Thanks," he said as he loaded them up. "I'm planning to resell them."

Good luck, I thought. I had been trying to get rid of them for months. But when I ran into him a few weeks later, he'd sold everything.

"How did you manage that?" I marveled.

"I took out an ad: 'Heavy-duty boat trailer with free boat.' When the buyer came to get it, I asked if he had a motor. He said no. I told him I happened to have one in my garage. Bought that, too."



The day before his wedding, I stopped in to visit my uncle. It was his second marriage and I knew he really wanted to make it work. "Are you nervous about the wedding?" I asked him.

"No way," he replied nonchalant. "Cup of cake. Cup of cake."



"Citibank will soon charge $15 a month for checking accounts with less than $6,000. Finally, someone's sticking it to those people with less than $6,000!" -Jimmy Fallon



"Denmark is charging a fat food tax on cheese, meat, and oil. Here, we call that the Denny's Grand Slam breakfast." -Jay Leno



"Pseudoscience describes theories that sound like science but are actually just made up, like aromatherapy or biorhythms or love." -Craig Ferguson



Our six-year-old daughter, Terra, has a need to ask questions...lots of questions. Finally, one day, my wife had it.

"Have you ever heard that curiosity killed the cat?" my wife asked.

"No," replied Terra.

"Well, there was a cat, and he was very inquisitive. And one day, he looked into a big hole, fell in, and died!"

Wide-eyed, Terra whispered: "What was in the hole?"



A job applicant was asked, "What would you consider to be your main strengths and weaknesses?"

"Well," he began, "my main weakness would definitely be my issues with reality�-sometimes I have a little trouble telling what's real from what's not."

"Okay," said the interviewer. "And what are your strengths?"

"I'm Batman."

Jokes for 11/29

"Space isn't remote at all. It's only an hour's drive away... if your car could go straight upwards." --Sir Fred Hoyle



"Sure, everyone always said 'Socrates what is the meaning of life?' or 'Socrates how can I find happiness?', but did anyone ever say 'Socrates hemlock is poison.'?!" --Socrates



"The day after tomorrow is the third day of the rest of your life." --George Carlin



A passenger on a Southwest flight says that he once faced a flight delay just before they boarded. A flight attendant picked up the microphone and announced: "We're sorry for the delay. The machine that normally rips the handles off your luggage is broken, so we're having to do it by hand. We should be finished and on our way shortly."



"Do you remember first meeting your wife?"

"Sure, I found Jill lying face down in the gutter. I lifted her to her feet and promised her that if she agreed to marry me, she would begin a new life and I'd never allow her near the gutter again."

"Wow, what an incredible story! I hope she appreciates what you did for her."

"Not really. Even though she stunk at it, Jill hated to give up bowling."



Doctor: You're in good health. You'll live to be eighty.

Patient: But, doctor, I am 80 right now.

Doctor: See, what did I tell you.



The two partners in a law firm were having lunch when suddenly one of them jumped up and said, "I have to go back to the office - I forgot to lock the safe!"

The other partner replied, "What are you worried about? We're both here."

Jokes for 11/28

"I had general anesthesia for my surgery. It's so weird. You go to sleep in one room and then wake up four hours later in a totally different room. Just like in college." --Ross Shafer



"I used to be With IT. But then they changed what IT was. Now what I'm with isn't IT, and what's IT seems scary and wierd. It'll happen to YOU." --Abe Simpson, The Simpsons



"I don't have a lot of experience with vampires, but I have hunted werewolves. I shot one once, but by the time I got to it, it had turned back into my neighbor's dog." -Dwight Schrute, The Office



Duck decoys, fishing rods, boots -- outdoor gear of all kinds was piled high in the garage. One day I found my wife staring at the mess. "I hope I die first, so I don't have to get rid of all this," she sighed.

"Look on the bright side," I suggested. "If I go first, you can put an ad in the paper. When all the men come by to check out the stuff, you can pick out a replacement for me."

Still staring at the pile, she said, "Nah. Whoever would want all this stuff wouldn't be my type."



One year at Thanksgiving, my mom went to my sister's house for the traditional feast.

Knowing how gullible my sister is, my mom decided to play a trick. She told my sister that she needed something from the store.

When my sister left, my mom took the turkey out of the oven, removed the stuffing, stuffed a Cornish hen,and inserted it into the turkey, and re-stuffed the turkey.

She then placed the bird(s) back in the oven. When it was time for dinner, my sister pulled the turkey out of the oven and proceeded to remove the stuffing.

When her serving spoon hit something, she reached in and pulled out the little bird.

With a look of total shock on her face, my mother exclaimed, "Patricia, you've cooked a pregnant bird!" At the reality of this horrifying news, my sister started to cry.

It took the family two hours to convince her that turkeys lay eggs!



"According to a Twitter study, people are happiest on the weekends and when their workday is over. They also discovered that if you stand in front of a moving train, it will kill you." -Jay Leno



"Apple released the upgraded version of the iPhone 4, called the iPhone 4S. I think the "S" stands for "suckers." -Craig Ferguson



"Starbucks has a new plan to create jobs by asking customers to make $5 donations. Customers are like, 'Yeah, right. I'm not just gonna give you $5. Now can I get a grande coffee for $6?'" -Jimmy Fallon



After I asked for a half-pound trout fillet at my supermarket's seafood counter, the clerk picked one out of a pile and set it on the scale. It weighed precisely eight ounces.

Impressed, I asked, "How did you know?"

Looking pleased with himself, he declared, "I'm psychotic."



A University of Alabama football player was visiting a Yankee relative in Boston over the holidays. He went to a large party and met a pretty co-ed. He was attempting to start up a conversation with the line, "Where does y'all go to school?"

The coed, of course, was not overly impressed with his grammar or southern drawl, but did answer his question.

"Yale," she replied.

The UA student took a big, deep breath and shouted, "WHERE DOES Y'ALL GO TO SCHOOL!?

Jokes for 11/23

"A new study found that humans started wearing clothes about 170,000 years ago. In fact, the first sentence ever spoken was, 'Me look fat in this?'" -Jimmy Fallon



"A professor at Utah State University is now studying people who suffer from what he calls a compulsive obsession with morality and religion. They had these people when I was a kid. They were called parents." -Jay Leno



"A company created a bathroom scale that allows you to tweet your weight to your friends. The company immediately went out of business." -Conan O'Brien



Sitting in the bar George asked his 40-year-old friend John, "How come you aren't married?"

John: "I haven't found the right woman yet."

George: "So what are you looking for?"

John: "Oh she's got to be real pretty, - a good cook and house keeper, she's got to know how to handle money, have a nice and pleasant personality -- and money, she's got to have money, and a nice big house wouldn't hurt either."

George: "A woman like that would be crazy to marry YOU!"

John: "Oh, it's okay, if she is crazy."



A few years ago the battery in my beat-up VW Beetle had died because I left the lights on overnight. I was in a hurry to get to work on time so I ran into the house to get my wife to give me a hand to start the car. I told her to get into our second car, a prehistoric oversized gas guzzler, and use it to push my car fast enough to start it. I pointed out to her that because the VW had an automatic transmission, it needed to be pushed at least 20mph for it to start.

She said fine, hopped into her car and drove off.

I sat there fuming wondering what she could be doing.

A minute passed by and when I saw her in the rear-view mirror coming at me at about 30 mph, I realized that I should have been a bit clearer with my directions...

Jokes for 11/22

"Teenagers are the demographic most likely to start smoking because they think it looks cool. Listen to me, teenagers. It's not smoking that makes you look cool. It's bullying classmates who are different." -Craig Ferguson



"I heard about a new insulin device for diabetics that could test tears instead of blood. That'll be weird when you're like, 'Hey, I need to test my blood sugar. Can you put on 'Marley and Me?'" -Jimmy Fallon



"Energy Secretary Stephen Chu testified before Congress yesterday that he thought it was a good idea to lend $535 million of our tax dollars to the solar panel company Solyndra right before they went bankrupt. If he'd taken all of that money, put it in a big pile and set it on fire, it would have produced more energy than Solyndra." -Jay Leno



On a family vacation one summer, we crossed Wyoming and noted several historical points of interest. The children were especially interested because they enjoyed the computer game "Oregon Trail," which gives players a taste of the hardships the pioneers endured. We stopped at the famous South Pass to look at the wagon tracks still visible in the dirt.

Squinting out over the desolate, wind-swept landscape, my daughter nodded and said grimly, "This is where my oxen always die."



I went out with some friends last night and had a couple too many drinks. Knowing that I was over the limit, I did something that I have never done before.

I took a bus home.

I arrived home safe and sound, which seemed really surprising as I have never driven a bus before.



"A man in New York was arrested for punching another guy at a karaoke bar because he didn't like his singing. The man was charged with two counts of, 'doing what everyone else wanted to do.'" -Jimmy Fallon



"Someone threw a hotdog at Tiger Woods while he was putting. Legally, half that hotdog goes to Tiger's ex-wife." -Dave Letterman



"China is now expected to surpass Japan as the 2nd richest country in the world. They could become the richest, but that's only if we pay them the money we owe them, and that's not going to happen." -Jay Leno



Sitting in the first row of coach class during a lengthy flight, my wife and I were able to hear a flight attendant as he pushed a wine cart down the aisle in the first-class section. "Would you care for chardonnay or burgundy?" he asked the high-paying passengers.

A few minutes later the attendant opened the curtain between the two sections, offered wine to one final first-class patron, then wheeled the same cart forward to our aisle. "Excuse me," he said, looking down at us, "would you care for a glass of wine? We have white and red."



A minor league ballplayer, left in charge of a baby cousin, suddenly realized that he did not have the least idea how to change a diaper. Frantically, he called a friend who was luckily a father.

The friend calmed down the ballplayer, then gave him the following instructions. "Place the diaper in the position of a baseball diamond, with you at bat. Fold second base over home plate. Place baby on pitcher's mound, then pin first base and third base at home plate!"

Jokes for 11/21

This guy sits down at the bar and orders 5 shots of tequila and downs them straight. The bartender impressed asks "Hey buddy did you have a long day?"

The man replies that he just found out that his brother was gay and leaves.

The next day the same guy comes in and orders ten shots. The bartender asks if he is still dealing with his brothers sexual orientation and the man replies "No I just found out my son is gay too."

The bartender is appropriatly sympathetic and the man leaves.

The third night the man comes in and orders 25 shots and downs them all. Stunned the bartender asks "Damn man doesn't anyone in your family likes women?"

The man forcefully replies "Well apparently my wife does!"



A man left work one Friday afternoon. Being payday, instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend hunting with the boys and spent his entire paycheck. When he finally appeared at home, Sunday night, he was confronted by a very angry wife and was barraged for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions.

Finally, his wife stopped the nagging and simply said to him, "How would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?"

To which he replied, "That would be fine with me."

Monday went by and he didn't see his wife.
Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results.
Thursday, the swelling went down just enough where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.



Three girls are walking in a magical forest. Suddenly, a witch comes out of the woods, and tells them: "Each of you has to say one good thing about herself. If you lie, i will make you disappear!".

The first girl, a brunette, says:
"I think I am a very kind and toughtfull person".
*Pooph*- she disappears.

The second girl, red-haired, says:
"I think i am very sexy".
*Pooph*- she also disappears.

The third girl, a blonde, says:
"Well, I think..."
*Pooph*- she is gone...



The manager hired a new secretary. She was young, sweet, and polite.

One day while taking dictation, she noticed his fly was open. While leaving the room, she courteously said, "Oh sir, did you know that your barracks door was open." He did not understand her remark, but later on happened to look down and saw that his zipper was open.

He decided to have some fun with his new employee. Calling her in, he asked, "By the way, Miss Jones, when you saw my barracks door open this morning, did you also see a soldier standing at attention?"

The secretary, who was quite witty, replied, "Why, no sir, all I saw was a little disabled veteran, sitting on two duffel bags!"



Three women go down to Mexico one night, get drunk, and wake up in jail, only to find that they are to be executed in the morning, though none of them can remember what they did the night before.

The first one, a redhead, is strapped in the electric chair, and is asked if she has any last words. She says, "I am from Grace University, and believe in the almighty power of God to intervene on the behalf of the innocent," They throw the switch and nothing happens.

They all immediately prostrate themselves; beg for her forgiveness, and release her.

The second one, a brunette, is strapped in and gives her last words, "I am from the Creighton School of Law and I believe in the power of justice to intervene on the part of the innocent." They throw the switch and again, nothing happens.

Again, they all immediately prostrate themselves; beg for her forgiveness, and release her.

The last one, a blonde, is strapped in and says, "Well, I'm from the University of Alabama, Huntsville and just graduated with a degree in Electrical Engineering, and I'll tell you right now, you ain't gonna electrocute nobody if you don't plug this thing in."



Two doctors and an HMO manager die and line up together at the Pearly Gates. One doctor steps forward and tells St. Peter, "As a pediatric surgeon, I saved hundreds of children." St. Peter lets him enter.

The next doctor says, "As a psychiatrist, I helped thousands of people live better lives." St. Peter tells him to go ahead.

The last man says, "I was an HMO manager. I got countless families cost-effective health care."

St. Peter replies, "You may enter. But," he adds, "you can only stay for three days. After that, you can go to hell."

Jokes for 11/18

"A man in Florida was busted for stealing a cardboard cutout of Justin Bieber from a record store. He's facing a pretty severe punishment: His friends finding out." -Jimmy Fallon



"Archeologists in Egypt now say it's not true that the pyramids were built by slaves. They say the pyramids were built by paid workers. But you know how they financed it? A pyramid scheme." -Jay Leno



"Starbucks announced plans to open a line of juice bars. They would have done this years ago but it took them a while to figure out how to burn orange juice." -Conan O'Brien



When I go to a local discount store to get oil and filters for my car, I buy my wife a bouquet of flowers they always have on display near the checkout counter.

During one trip, some women in line behind me were oohing and aahing about a husband getting flowers for his wife.

"How often do you do that?" one asked.

Before I could answer, the cashier, more than familiar with my routine, said, "Every three months or 3,000 miles, whichever comes first."



Flashlights used by my National Guard unit can withstand almost anything. And to prove it, they come with a lifetime warranty.

Nevertheless, nothing is indestructible, which is why the warranty also cautions, "Void with shark bites, bear attacks and children under the age of five."



"A man in the UK was banned from a public park after he tried to have sex with a tree. I don't know about you, but I think Al Gore has finally gone too far." -Jimmy Fallon



"Natives on the Pacific island of Vanuatu recently apologized to the great-great-grandson of a missionary who their ancestors ate 170 years ago. Witnesses describe the conversation as 'awkward.'" -Conan O'Brien



"There's a proposal in Congress to allow rich people who feel they don't pay enough income tax to voluntarily pay more. Economists say this could bring in as much as $75 a year." -Jay Leno



"Some protesters brought their kids to the Occupy Wall Street demonstrations. Some of the kids got bored and decided to occupy Sesame Street instead." -Jimmy Kimmel



"In a survey of 35 cities, Los Angeles ranked second-to-last in intelligence. Residents of L.A. were outraged after the report was slowly explained to them." -Conan O'Brien



I'm the postmaster for a small town in Pennsylvania. One of my regular customers, Jeff, bought several sheets of newly released commemorative stamps.

Soon after he left, a woman came in carrying two crisp sheets of Harry Houdini stamps she'd found in the parking lot.

The next morning, I gave Jeff the sheets of stamps he'd lost. "You know," Jeff said to me, "I'm not at all that surprised the Houdini stamps reappeared."



Helping me sort clothes into "save" and "give away" piles, my six-year-old daughter came across a garter belt. "What's this?" she asked.

"It's a garter belt," I said. Seeing that meant nothing to her, I added, "It's for holding up stockings."

"Ah," she said, carefully placing it in the "save" pile, "we'll use it next Christmas Eve."

Jokes for 11/17

The Naval Aviator

As Seen by Himself:
An incredibly intelligent, tall, handsome, innovative & highly trained professional killer, idol to countless females, & Gentleman Adventurer, who wears a star sapphire ring, carries a hair-trigger .45 automatic in a specially designed hand-stitched, quick draw holster along w/his trusty pearl-handle survival knife, who‘s always on time thanks to his ability to obtain immediate transportation & the reliability of his Rolex watch.

As Seen by His Wife:
A disreputable member of the family who comes home once/yr all bruised up, driving a stolen jeep up to the back door carrying a B-4 bag full of dirty laundry, wearing a stained flight suit, smelling of stale booze & JP-4, wearing a huge watch, a fake ring, & that damn ugly beat-up pistol in that stupid holster, who‘ll 3 months later go out the front door, thankfully for another yr.

As Seen by His Squadron Commander:
A fine specimen of a drunken, brawling, jeep stealing, woman corrupting liar, w/a star sapphire ring, fantastically accurate Rolex watch, an unauthorized .45 in a non-regulation shoulder holster, & rusty survival knife.

As Seen by Fleet Ops:
The embodiment of a drunken, brawling, jeep stealing, woman corrupting, lying, zipper-suited Sun God, w/a ring, a proscribed 1911 A1 .45 in a non-regulation shoulder holster, & a Rolex watch, who for some reason carries a survival knife.

As Seen by the Dept of Defense:
An overpaid, rule-ignoring, over-ranked tax burden, who‘s unfortunately totally indispensable simply because he‘s volunteered to go anywhere & do anything, at any time, only so long as he can booze it up, brawl, steal jeeps, corrupt women, lie, & wear a star sapphire ring, Rolex watch, & carry an obsolete handgun & survival knife.

As Seen by the Enemy:
The terrifying face of death!



"According to 'Consumer Research' more people are drinking soda for breakfast. It's become the new orange juice. Maybe in the trailer park where Yoo-hoo is the new champagne!" --Jay Leno



"According to a new study that just came out, smoking pot regularly does not lead to harder drugs. In fact the study shows that smoking pot regularly does not lead to doing much of anything." --Conan O'Brien



"This is little strange. A couple in England named their new daughter Kia because she was delivered in the back seat of a Kia. No one was happier than her older brother Hospital Bed." -Jimmy Fallon



I decided to buy an outfit for my girlfriend this weekend. I went to the mall and found a really cool twin set in this one store, but for the life of me I couldn't remember what size she is.

I looked around and luckily saw another customer in the store who was built pretty much like my girlfriend. So I went up to the person and said, "Excuse me, sir, but what size are you?"



Jill complained to Nina, "Rosey told me that you told her the secret I told you not to tell her."

"Well," replied Nina in a hurt tone, "I told her not to tell you I told her."

"Oh dear!" sighed Jill. "Well, don't tell her I told you that she told me."

Jokes for 11/15

Did you ever wonder why there are no dead penguins on the ice in Antarctica - where do they go?

Wonder no more ! ! !

It is a known fact that the penguin is a very ritualistic bird which lives an extremely ordered and complex life. The penguin is very committed to its family and will mate for life, as well as maintaining a form of compassionate contact with its offspring throughout its life.

If a penguin is found dead on the ice surface, other members of the family and social circle have been known to dig holes in the ice, using their vestigial wings and beaks, until the hole is deep enough for the dead bird to be rolled into and buried. The male penguins then gather in a circle around the fresh grave and sing:

"Freeze a jolly good fellow"

"Freeze a jolly good fellow."

Then they kick him in the ice hole.



"Apple is working on new 3-D technology that can be seen without special glasses. But it's not ready yet, so if you want to experience 3-D without having to wear 3-D glasses, you have to go outside and look at something." -Jimmy Fallon



"Scientists in California are developing a high-tech device that will tell obese people if they are eating too much and not exercising enough. That device is called 'a scale.'" -Conan O'Brien



"A huge 74-foot tall spruce is the new Christmas tree at NBC's Rockefeller Center. And in typical NBC fashion, the tree will be decorated, lit up for a few weeks, and then canceled." -Jay Leno



En route to Hawaii, I noticed one of my passengers in the coach section of the airplane dialing her cell phone. "Excuse me. That can't be on during the flight," I reminded her. "Besides, we're over the ocean, and you won't get a signal out here."

"That's okay," she said. "I'm just calling my daughter. She's sitting up in first class."



I spent 20 minutes explaining life insurance options to one of our employees. After reviewing the different plans and monthly deductions, he decided to max out, choosing $100,000 worth of life insurance. But he had one last question.

"Now," he said, "what do I have to do to collect?"

Jokes for 11/11

Veterans Day!! Hooyah!!

"According to new census data, Falls Church, Va. is the best-educated area in the U.S. I tried to find out how New York did, but I couldn't find anyone who knowed." -Jimmy Fallon



"A new food bill has been signed into law. It's part of our war against donuts. If we're not vigilant, the donuts will win." -Craig Ferguson



"7-Eleven has announced that they are going to start selling their own brand of wine. This is for people who find the idea of buying wine at Walmart too pretentious." -Jay Leno



Signs warning of closed roadways are frequently ignored in rural Minnesota, so highway workers barely took notice when a woman drove past their sign and over the hill to the trench they had dug in the middle of the road. The workers explained the detour route to town, and she went on her way.

They were surprised, however, to see the same woman coming toward them from town a couple of hours later. "Oh," she said distractedly as she again pulled up next to the trench crew. "Is it closed in this direction too?"



One woman was talking to her friend, "You should listen to my neighbor," she says. "She is always bad-mouthing her poor husband behind his back. I think that's so rude. Look at me! My husband is fat, lazy and cheap; but have you ever heard me say a bad word about about him?"



An employee who had a terrible history for taking time off phoned in again one Monday morning: "I'm sorry, but I'll not be able to come in today as I'm too sick."

On hearing this his exasperated boss could barely conceal his anger and retorted in a rage: "Well, just how sick are you?"

"Well" the employee sighed, "I'm in bed with my sister!"

Jokes for 11/10

"My fiance and I are having a little disagreement. What I want is a big church wedding with bridesmaids and flowers and a no-expense-spared reception; and what he wants is to break off our engagement." -Sally Poplin



"The only difference between the women I've dated and Charles Manson is that Manson has the decency to look like a nut case when you first meet him." --Richard Jeni



"The true man wants two things: danger and play. For that reason he wants woman, as the most dangerous plaything." -Friedrich Nietzsche



While hiking in the mountains one day I came across a gorgeous gorge that I thought was an echo canyon. I shouted, "Hello there." But the response sounded to me like, "Hello where?"

I tried again. "How do you do?"

A moment later the report came back sounding like, "How do I do what?"

Baffled and amused I decided to give it the ultimate test. "You're not really an echo canyon, are you?"

The response from the big ditch confirmed my suspicions. "Brilliant deduction, Einstein."



According to a news report, a certain private school in Washington was recently faced with a unique problem. A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the Bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints.

Every night the maintenance man would remove them and the next day the girls would put them back. Finally the principal decided that something had to be done.

She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night (you can just imagine the yawns from the little princesses).

To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required.

He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it.

Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.



"It's autumn in New York. You can tell too. Today I saw a sidewalk vendor putting anti-freeze in the hot dog water." --Dave Letterman



"Today, the MacArthur Foundation gave out its annual 'Genius' awards. This year's awards went to a journalist, a mental health scientist, and a couple who sold their house three years ago." -Conan O'Brien



"It's officially fall. You can always tell it's fall in L.A. because the air gets crisper; the days get a little shorter; the leaves turn from on fire to not on fire." -Jimmy Kimmel



While on a ski trip in Wyoming, I encountered a husband and wife on the slopes who asked me if I would take a picture of them. I said I would be happy to, and I did. Then I asked if they wouldn't mind taking a picture of me.

"Oh, sorry," the man answered, "but we only have two pictures left, and we wanted to take some pictures of the lodge."

Jokes for 11/09

"Well, a new study has found that having a cat makes you 40 percent less likely to die of a heart attack. Not that the cat could care less either way, really." --Jay Leno



"Wal-Mart is planning to reduce its healthcare plan for new employees. Which explains why today, my greeter was like, 'Hello, welcome to Wal-Mart. Would you mind checking out this mole?'" -Jimmy Fallon



"According to a new study, children who are spanked are twice as likely as those that aren't spanked to get into fights and destroy things ? which is probably why they get spanked in the first place." -Jimmy Kimmel



We were eating at one of the trendier restaurants in town when my friend pointed to the menu and told the waitress, "I'll have the 24."

"Uh, Jim," I whispered, "that's the price, not the meal number."

"Oh," he said. "In that case give me the 12."



A man goes into a restaurant, sits down at a table and an attractive young waitress comes for his order. He gives her a smile and says, "I want a quickie."

She turns red in the face and ahems, "Sir, I don't know what kind of restaurant you're used to eating in, but I can assure you you're not going to get a quickie here!"

"How disappointing," the man replied. "Could you ask the chef to make an exception?"

"He doesn't have anything to do with it!" says the waitress indignantly.

"Hmmm," do you know anywhere around here where I could get a quickie?"

"I'm SURE I don't know," answers the waitress loudly.

A patron from the next table leans over and taps the man on the shoulder, "I think it's pronounced QUICHE."



"Earlier this week, a protester at Occupy Wall Street proposed to his girlfriend. His exact words were, 'Will you occupy my parents' basement with me until I get a job?'" -Conan O'Brien



"A new study ranked the people in Minneapolis as the smartest people in the U.S. New York didn't even rank in the top 10. That is so 'non-good.'" -Jimmy Fallon



"It's Spirit Day, a day against bullying of all types. There are all kinds of bullies: Evil dictators, schoolyard bullies, Internet bullies, wooly bullies." -Craig Ferguson



The phone rang. It was a salesman from a mortgage refinance company. "Do you have a second mortgage on your home?"

"No," I replied.

"Would you like to consolidate all your debts?"

"I really don't have any," I said.

"How about freeing up cash for home improvements?" he tried.

"I don't need any. I just recently had some done and paid cash," I parried.

There was a brief silence, and then he asked, "Are you looking for a husband?"



On a recent trip to Washington, D.C., my brother-in-law overheard a patriotic father pointing out a well-known building to his son. "You see that triangular-shaped octagon over there? That's the Pentagon."

Jokes for 11/08

"I have a strict policy. I will not and do not publicize unsubstantiated rumors about anyone ? unless they're very funny." -Jimmy Kimmel



"A new survey found that 46 percent of doctors have used Google or Yahoo to diagnose their patients' symptoms. Yeah, last time I got sick, my doctor was like, 'I'm sorry to tell you this, but you have 'Server Not Responding.'" -Jimmy Fallon



"A Los Angeles woman claims she has Justin Bieber's love child. The woman will have to take a paternity test, then everyone will know once and for all who the real father is: Arnold Schwarzenegger." -Craig Ferguson



Tour guides get bored spewing the same facts everyday. So these Philadelphia guides rewrote history.

"Trees were planted along streets so illiterate people would know the names of the streets. So Pine Street was lined with pines, etc."

"The reason the kitchens were in the basement is because the long, flowing dresses of women would catch fire and they could run directly into the streets, instead of through the house, spreading fire."

"The Lincoln statue in Fairmont Park shows him signing the Declaration of Independence."



A Sunday School teacher of preschoolers told her students that she wanted each of them to have learned one fact about Jesus by the next Sunday.

The following week she asked each child in turn what they had learned.

Susie said, "He was born in a manger."

Bobby said, "He threw the money changers out of the temple."

Little Johnny said, "He has a red pickup truck but he doesn't know how to drive it."

Curious, the teacher asked, "And where did you learn that, Johnny?"

"From my Daddy," said Johnny. "Yesterday we were driving down the highway, and this red pickup truck pulled out in front of us and Daddy yelled at him, 'Jesus Christ! Why don't you learn how to drive?'"



When it comes to wine I'm very particular about what I buy. There are two things I look for before making my selection.

First, the word "Wine" must appear somewhere on the label. This is something I insist on.

Second, I look for a sign nearby that says "On Sale."

Follow these two rules and you won't go far wrong.



"Ford is installing a new feature in their cars which reads text messages out loud to the driver. Isn't that cool? Yeah, this amazing new feature is called a 'passenger.'" -Conan O'Brien

Jokes for 11/07

Sally was driving home from one of her business trips in Northern Arizona when she saw an elderly Navajo woman walking on the side of the road. As the trip was a long and quiet one, she stopped the car and asked the Navajo woman if she would like a ride. With a silent nod of thanks, the woman got into the car.

Resuming the journey, Sally tried in vain to make a bit of small talk with the Navajo woman. The old woman just sat silently, looking intently at everything she saw, studying every little detail, until she noticed a white bag on the seat next to Sally.

"What in bag?" asked the old woman.

Sally looked down at the white bag and said, "It's a box of chocolates. I got it for my husband".

The Navajo woman was silent for another moment or two. Then speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder, she said: "Good trade."



The other night I was out for dinner with a few friends. After consuming too much vino and knowing full well that I was wasted did something I've never done before. Believe it or not I took a bus home. Yes a bus.

I arrived home safely and without incident. This was really a surprise to me since I had never driven a bus before.



A young couple got married and went on their honeymoon. When they got back, the bride immediately called up her mother.

"Well," said her mother, "so how was the honeymoon?"

"Oh, mama," she replied, "the honeymoon was wonderful! So romantic..." Suddenly she burst out crying. "But, mama, as soon as we returned, Sam started using
the most horrible language -- things I'd never heard before! I mean all these awful four-letter words! You've got to take me Home..., "PLEASE MAMA!"

"Sarah, Sarah," her mother said, "calm down! You need to stay with your husband and work this out. Now, Tell me, what could be so awful? WHAT four-letter words?"

"Please don't make me tell you, mama," wept the daughter, "I'm so embarrassed, they're just too awful! COME GET ME, PLEASE!!"

"Darling, baby, you must tell me what has you so upset. Tell your mother these horrible four-letter words!"

Sobbing, the bride said, "Oh, Mama..., he used words like: dust, wash, iron, and cook..."

"I'll pick you up in twenty minutes," said the mother.



During a recent password audit, it was found that a blond Essex girl was using the following password:

"MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofyLondon"

When asked why she had such a long password, she said she was told that it had to be at least 8 characters long and include at least one capital.



Puns for Intelligent People

1. The fattest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.

2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian .

3. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.

4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class, because it was a weapon of math disruption.

5. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.

6. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

7. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

8. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

9. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.

10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

11. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

12. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other: 'You stay here; I'll go on a head.'

13. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.

14. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: 'Keep off the Grass.'

15. The midget fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

16. The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

17. A backward poet writes inverse.

18. In a democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes.

19. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.

20. If you jumped off the bridge in Paris, you'd be in Seine.

21. A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, 'I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger.'

22. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says 'Dam!'

23. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

24. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, 'I've lost my electron.' The other says 'Are you sure?' The first replies, 'Yes, I'm positive.'

25. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.

26. Then, there was the person who sent ten puns to friends in the hope that one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.

27. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail, and, with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him A super callused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.



Three politicians die on Easter Sunday. One is a Republican, one is a Independent and the other is a Democrat. As they approach the entrance gate to Heaven they are greeted by Saint Peter. He informs them that before they enter Heaven they must tell him all they know about Easter.

The Republican speaks first. He states that Easter is a holiday celebrated with family. A turkey is cooked, pies are baked and everyone enjoys a great feast. Disappointed, Saint Peter informs him that he just discribed Thanksgiving.

The Independent speaks next. He jibes the Republican for his error and then tells Saint Peter that for Easter a tree is placed in the family room. It is decorated with lights and ornaments. On Easter Eve the Easter Bunny flies to everyone's house and places presents under the tree to be opened on Easter Sunday morning. Disappointed again Saint Peter tells the Independent he incorrectly described Christmas.

With a stern look Saint Peter asks the Democrat if he knows anything about Easter. The Demacrat begins by saying as usual the other two don't know what they're talking about. Easter is a religious holiday. It's about the Lord dying on the cross. Hearing this Saint Peter becomes elated. He instructs the other two to pay attention so they can learn something and asks the Democrat to continue. The Democrat tells them how Jesus died on the cross. His body was taken down and cleaned, wrapped in a sheet and placed in a cave with the entrance sealed with a large stone. Three days later if Jesus comes outside the cave and sees his shadow there's six more weeks of winter!

Jokes for 11/04

"In Michigan, a man was too drunk to drive, so he had his 9-year-old daughter drive their van for him. Yeah. As he was being arrested, he told the girl, 'I'm going to need a lawyer. Go get your little brother.'" -Conan O'Brien



"Plans are under way in England to build a laser they say is powerful enough to tear apart the fabric of space. Well, what could go wrong there?" -Jay Leno



"The world was supposed to end Friday. I don't think it did. This is reported to be the 12th time Camping has predicted the end of the world, the first time being in 1978. Not only is he bad at predicting things but he's kind of a bummer to hang out with." -Jimmy Kimmel



A group of foreign dignitaries are visiting Israel. At the end of the tour, they are taken to see the Tomb of the Unknown Soldier. They look at the tomb and read the following inscription: ABRAHAM SCHWARTZ BORN 5694 DIED 5733 A GOOD MAN AND A GREAT FURRIER.

The visitors are incredulous. They ask the guide, "How can this be an unknown soldier if the grave has his name?"

Their host responds, "Sure, as a soldier he was unknown, but as a furrier -- he was the best!"



"A judge has ordered Lindsay Lohan to work at the L.A. morgue. This way she can do community service and visit her career at the same time." -Jay Leno



"McDonald's just announced that they will sell the McRib sandwich only until November 14. So unfortunately, it looks like I'll have to cook for Thanksgiving after all." -Conan O'Brien



"I personally didn't watch 'Dancing With the Stars' tonight because if there's anything I learned from the new 'Footloose' remake, it's that dancing is a sin and should not be tolerated." -Jimmy Kimmel



A co-worker was telling us about her sister who was coming to visit her for the holidays. Someone asked how old her sister was, at which she paused, thought for a bit, and then answered, "She's half as old as I am, that's how I always remember."

So someone else (okay, it was me) said, "That's neat... So every year that you age, she only ages half a year?" My co-worker thought about that, and then said, "Oh, yeah, I guess it only works on even years."



A man comes home with his daughter, whom he has just taken to work for the day. The little girl asks, "I saw you in your office with your secretary. Why do you call her a doll."

Feeling his wife's gaze upon him, the man explains, "Well, honey, my secretary is a very hard-working girl. She types like you wouldn't believe, she knows the computer system, and is very efficient."

The daughter thinks for a minute and then replies, "Oh. I thought it was because she closed her eyes when you lay her down."

Jokes for 11/02

"A team of British lawyers has now concluded that the Declaration of Independence was illegal, and the American colonies had no right to secede from England. Well, you thought our court system was backed up." -Jay Leno



"A new study shows that monkeys can look at photos and recognize other monkeys they know. However, the study also shows that monkeys are terrible with names." -Conan O'Brien



"A new study found that bacon and freshly baked bread are Americans' favorite smells. Yeah, this morning instead of putting on cologne, I just rubbed my neck with a B.L.T." -Jimmy Fallon



"This hotel stinks!" a guest complained when he showed up at the front desk to check out.

"What's wrong?" I asked.

"I got no sleep. Every 15 minutes this loud banging sound woke me up!"

I apologized for the noise and checked him out. A few minutes later, a couple showed up. Again, I made the mistake of asking how their stay was.

"Terrible!" they said. "The guy in the next room was snoring so loudly that we had to bang on the wall every 15 minutes to wake him up!"



I was on my way out of the house to meet with a cantankerous client, and I was dreading it. The look on my face must have given me away because my five-year-old daughter asked what was wrong.

"I'm going to meet a mean woman who always yells at Daddy," I told her.

"Oh," she said. "Say hi to Mom."



"Road kill is now legal to eat in Illinois. It's part of their new 'Meals Under Wheels' program." -Jay Leno



"I'm getting ready for Halloween. Today up at the house, we tested the electric fence. It's working." -David Letterman



"I miss the days when Halloween was a simple holiday about making ritual sacrifices to evil spirits to ensure a plentiful harvest." -Jimmy Kimmel



After the fall in Garden of Eden, Adam was walking with his sons Cain and Abel.

As they passed by the ruins of the Garden of Eden, one of the boys asked, "Father, what's that?"

Adam replied, "Boys, that's where your mother ate us out of house and home."



I walked into a coffee shop on Halloween to find the woman behind the counter with a bunch of sponges pinned to her uniform.

"I'm assuming this is a costume, but just what are you supposed to be?" I asked.

The waitress responded proudly, "I'm self-absorbed."

Jokes for 11/01

One night, as he finished his last beer, Joe's doorbell rang. He answered the door and found a six-foot cockroach standing there. The bug grabbed him by the collar and threw him across the room, then left.

The next night, the doorbell rang, and found the same six-foot cockroach standing there. The big bug punched him in the stomach, then left.

The same thing happened the next night. This time, he was kneed in the groin and hit behind the ear as he doubled over in pain. Then the big bug left.

The following day, Joe went to see his doctor. He explained the events of the preceding four nights. "What can I do?" he pleaded.

"Not much" the doctor replied. "There's just a nasty bug going around."



Three buddies die in a car crash, and they go to heaven to an orientation.

They are all asked, "When you are in your casket and friends and family are mourning upon you, what would you like to hear them say about you?

The first guy says, "I would like to hear them say that I was a great doctor of my time, and a great family man."

The second guy says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher which made a huge difference in our children of tomorrow."

The last guy replies, "I would like to hear them say, "Look! He's moving!"



"Brewers in Austria have created a cheese-infused beer. Didn't that used to be called 'vomit?'" -Jay Leno



A woman said to her friend, "I don't know what to do. My husband is such a mess maker that you can't imagine. He doesn't put anything in its place, I am always going around the house organizing things."

The friend says, "Take a tip from me. The first week after we were married I told my husband firmly, 'Every glass and plate that you take, wash when you are done and put back in its place.'"

The first woman asked, "Did it help?"

Her friend said, "I don't know. I haven't seen him since."



"A school in New Zealand discovered that a model skeleton for an anatomy class was actually a real human skeleton. Yeah, they made the realization when they noticed they hadn't seen their anatomy teacher in about eight months." -Jimmy Fallon



Child Support Agency Forms

The following are all replies that Dallas women have written on Child Support Agency forms in the section for listing fathers' name details.

1. Regarding the identity of the father of my twins, child A was fathered by Jim Munson. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of child B, but I believe that he was conceived on the same night.

2. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my child as I was being sick out of a window when taken unexpectedly from behind. I can provide you with a list of names of men that I think were at the party if this helps.

3. I do not know the name of the father of my little girl. She was conceived at a party at 3600 Grand Avenue where I had unprotected sex with a man I met that night. I do remember that the sex was so good that I fainted. If you do manage to track down the father, can you send me his phone number? Thanks.

4. I don't know the identity of the father of my daughter. He drives a BMW that now has a hole made by my stiletto in one of the door panels. Perhaps you can contact BMW service stations in this area and see if he's had It replaced.

5. I have never had sex with a man. I am awaiting a letter from the Pope confirming that my son's conception was immaculate and that he is Christ risen again.

6. I cannot tell you the name of child A's dad as he informs me that to do so would blow his cover and that would have cataclysmic implications for the economy. I am torn between doing right by you and right by the country. Please advise.

7. I do not know who the father of my child was as all blacks look The same to me.

8. Peter Smith is the father of child A. If you do catch up with him, can you ask him what he did with my AC/DC CDs?

9. From the dates it seems that my daughter was conceived at Disney World; maybe it really is the Magic Kingdom.

10. So much about that night is a blur. The only thing that I remember for sure is Delia Smith did a program about eggs earlier in the evening. If I'd have stayed in and watched more TV rather than going to the party at 146 Miller Drive, mine might have remained unfertilized.

Jokes for 10/31

When Ariel Sharon came to Washington for meetings with George W. and for a state dinner, Laura Bush decided to bring in a special Kosher chef and offer a truly Jewish meal.

At the dinner that night, the first course served is matzo ball soup.

George W. looks at this and after learning what it is called, he tells an aide that he can't eat such a gross and strange-looking brew. The aide says that Mr. Sharon will be insulted if he doesn't at least taste it.

Not wanting to cause any trouble (after all, he ate sheep's eye in honor of Arab guests), George W. gingerly lowers his spoon into the bowl and retrieves a piece of matzo ball and some broth. He hesitates, then swallows.

A big grin appears on his face. He finds that he really likes it, so he digs right in and finishes the whole bowl.

"That was delicious," Bush says to Sharon. "Do you Jews eat any other part of the matzo, or just the balls?"



A blonde walks into a pharmacy and asks the pharmacist for a bottom deodorant. "Sorry, we don't sell bottom deodorant" the pharmacist replies, struggling to keep from laughing.

"But I always buy it here", the blonde says. "I bought one last month". Thinking quickly, the pharmacist suggests, " I don't know what you bought before, may be you can bring in the empty container next time". "Sure", the blonde replies. "I'll bring it with me tomorrow"

The next day, the blonde walks into the shop again and hands the pharmacist an almost empty deodorant stick. "This is just a normal deodorant", the pharmacist tells the blonde, "You use it under your arms".

"No, it is not", the blonde answers, "it says so here: To apply, push up bottom".



A man walking along the beach one day finds a bottle. He rubs it and, sure enough, out popped a genie.

"I will grant you three wishes," said the genie. "But there is a catch."

"What catch?" the man asked.

The genie replied, "Every time you make a wish, every lawyer in the world will receive double the wish you were granted."

"Well, I can live with that! No problem!" replied the elated man.

"What is your first wish?" asked the genie.

"Well, I've always wanted a Ferrari!"

POOF! A Ferrari appeared in front of the man.

"Now every lawyer in the world has TWO Ferraris," said the genie. "Next wish?"

"I'd love a million dollars," replied the man.

POOF! One million dollars appeared at his feet.

"Now every lawyer in the world has TWO million dollars," said the genie.

"Well, that's okay, as long as I've got my million," replied the man.

"What is your third and final wish?"

The man thought long and hard, and finally said, "Well, you know, I've always wanted to donate a kidney!"



A college pizza delivery boy arrived at the house of Mr.Smith. He delivered the pizza to his trailer. After giving it to him, Mr. Smith asked: "What is the usual tip?"

"Well," replied the youth, "this is my first trip here, but the other guys say if I get a quarter out of you, I'll be doing great."

"Is that so?" snorted Mr. Smith. "Well, just to show them how wrong they are, here's five dollars."

"Thanks," replied the youth, "I'll put this in my school fund."

"What are you studying in school?" asked Larry.

The lad smiled and said: "Applied psychology."

Jokes for 10/28

There are three guys in a boat with four cigarettes. They have no matches or anything and were trying to come up with a way to smoke their cigarettes.

"I got it!" said the one guy as he threw one of his cigarettes overboard.

"Why did you do that?" yelled his buddy.

To which he replied, "To make the boat a little lighter."



Little Donna was in the back yard filling in a hole when her neighbor peered over the fence.

Interested in what the rosy-faced youngster was doing, he asked, "What are you doing there, Donna?"

"My goldfish died," replied little Donna tearfully without looking up, "and I've just buried him."

The neighbor laughed and said condescendingly, "That's a really big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?"

Little Donna patted down the last heap of earth then replied, "That's because he's inside your cat."



"They say the price of gas could soon be under $3 a gallon. Do you know what that means? You can now afford to drive by the house you used to live in, go by the job you used to have, and go see the bank where you used to have money." -Jay Leno



TEN TOP THINGS NOT TO SAY ON YOUR ANNIVERSARY...

10. I stopped caring about anniversaries when you stopped caring about cooking (and-or sex).

9. Today is our what?

8. Okay, let's celebrate, but do we have to do it together?

7. I thought we only celebrated important events?

6. You can celebrate anniversaries with your next husband.

5. You don't like what I pick out, so I thought why bother.

4. I got you a present worth a dollar for every time you were nice to me this year. Here's a $5 gift certificate for McDonald's.

3. If you want me to pretend like I care about our anniversary, I will.

2. You want to go out to dinner? Okay, okay, I'll take you to Pizza Hut if it'll shut ya up.

1. I thought you only had to celebrate anniversaries while you were still in love.



"A Burger King employee in Long Island was arrested for selling crack in the restaurant's parking lot. Most people turned him down though. They were like, 'No thanks, that stuff'll kill you. Can I get a double whopper with cheese and bacon, two onion rings, and a milkshake?'" -Jimmy Fallon



Dear Abby,

I have an oral sex etiquette question. While I love pleasing my lady, occasionally while in the middle of a "carpet munching" session a hair gets caught in the back of my throat. I think hacking up a hairball like a cat on speed at that special time might be considered poor taste. How can I take care of business and remove the offending piece of "wool" and keep the mood?

Sincerely, Munchy

Dear Munchy:

Preparation, preparation, preparation, my son, is the key to successful tongue lashing. Right after your lady buys you a really expensive present, cooks you a fine, fine meal and finishes mowing the lawn with the second-hand, push lawnmower you purchased for her on your last anniversary, simply hand her a razor and remind her that her "back 40" also needs a good clip. Remember, an "idle" woman is a devil in the making.

Abby

Jokes for 10/27

A traveling salesman is driving through a remote town and sees a man sexing up a sheep. Disgusted, he looks for the nearest house so he could use the phone and call the police. He finds a house nearby, knocks on the door and a little boy comes out from the door.

"Listen kid, I need to use your phone to call the police. There's some pervert over there in the field, ah, making love to a sheep."

The kid looks in the field and says, "That's not a pervert. That's my d-d-d-d-a-a-a-a-d-d-d-d-d."



Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. When they lit a fire in the craft it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.



"This year's season of 'Jersey Shore' takes place in Italy. Without giving away too much, I didn't even know the Pope had a hot tub." -Conan O'Brien



Two guys are drinking at a bar. The first says "Do you ever start thinking about something, and when you go to talk, you say something you don't mean?"

The Second guy says "Yeah, I was at the airport buying plane tickets, and the chick behind the counter had these huge tits, and instead of asking her for 'two tickets to Pittsburgh' I asked for 'two tickets to Titsburgh'."

The First guy says, "Yeah, well I was having breakfast with my wife last week, and instead of saying 'Honey can you please pass me the sugar?', I said 'You've ruined my life you FUCKING BITCH.'"



What is the difference between frustration and panic?

Frustration is the first time you discover you can't do it the second time.

Panic is the second time you discover you can't do it the first time.



There's a woman in a hospital in a coma. Her nurse notices after a few days that every time she sponge bathes the woman around the crotch, her vital signs, according to the nearby monitor, increase significantly. The nurse gets the bright idea that oral sex might just provide the stimulus to bring the woman out of her coma.

She calls the woman's husband, tells him her idea about oral sex, and he agrees. When he arrives at the hospital, the nurse ushers him into the room, closes the curtain around the bed, and closes the door.

Five minutes later, the man comes running out of the room screaming that all of his wife's vital signs have plummeted to zero and she needs a doctor immediately. The nurse, upset that her idea had not only not worked, but seemed to be threatening the life of the woman she had sought to save, asked the man what had happened.

"I'm not sure," said the husband, "but I think she choked!"

Jokes for 10/26

A bear walks into a bar and says "Bartender, give me a gin...........................................and tonic.

Bartender says, sure buddy but whats up with the long pause?

The bear looks at his hands and say I dunno, my dad had them too.



Dan married one of a pair of identical twin girls. Less than a year later, he was in court filing for a divorce.

"OK," the judge said, "Tell the court why you want a divorce."

"Well, your honor," Dan started, "Every once in a while my sister in law would come over for a visit, and because she and my wife are so identical looking, every once in a while I'd end up making love to her by mistake."

"Surely there must be some difference between the two women." the judge said.

"You'd better believe there is a difference, your honor. That's why I want the divorce."



"The TSA has a new program where agents have in-depth conversations with passengers to detect suspicious behavior. Or as most people put it, 'You know what, I'll just take the groping.'" -Jimmy Fallon



As a painless way to save money, a young couple arranged that every time they have sex the husband puts his pocket change into a china piggy bank on the bedside table. One night while being unusually athletic, he accidentally knocked the piggy bank onto the floor where it smashes.

To his surprise, among the masses of coins, there are handfuls of twenty and fifty dollar bills. He asks his wife "What's up with all the bills?"

To his wife which replies, "Well, not everyone is as cheap as you are."



How are women like snow flakes?
They are all beautiful.
They are all different.
They can be cold as ice.
But they'll all melt when they land on your face.



A man and woman are at a bar having a few beers. They start talking and soon realize they're both doctors. After an hour, the man says, "Hey, how about if we sleep together tonight? No strings attached."

The woman doctor agrees to it. They go back to her place and he goes in the bedroom. She goes into the bathroom and starts scrubbing up like she's about to go into the operating room. She scrubs for a good 10 minutes.

At last, she goes into the bedroom and they have sex. Afterward, the man says, "You're a surgeon, aren't you?"

"Yes," says the woman, "how did you know?" "I could tell by the way you scrubbed up before we started," he says.

"That makes sense," says the woman. "You're an anaesthesiologist, aren't you?"

"Yeah, how did you know?" asks the man.

The woman replies, "Because I didn't feel a thing."